Last week I mentioned how my wife and I kept our tradition of fighting on our girls’ birthday (traditions our very important to us). Part of the issue is my wife is very thoughtful and generous (a dangerous combination) while I’m stingy and get frustrated with how my wife goes overboard and spoils the kids (a very annoying combination… for her). This is a pretty standard dynamic between moms and dads, and it can be very healthy as kids need a balance: “You’re so precious” and “You’re just kids; suck it up.” In last week’s lesson, I shared how my wife and I had an “exploratory conversation” (aka a fight). One of the things that came out but held a very minor role in the discussion was a situation with the two older girls. My youngest’s birthday was on a school day and then the two older girls had their Zacada circus school to go to in the later afternoon (we’re incredibly lucky to have a group like this fifteen minutes from our house). Since I work all evening from home, I normally only get to see the kids between clients for a couple minutes on the hour, but that didn’t happen this night because after their class my wife took all the girls to McDonald’s to celebrate the youngest’s birthday. That wasn’t a big deal (I’m not that needy), but that meant after I dropped the girls off at school in the morning, I hadn’t really seen them all day. At 8pm I give myself a fifteen-minute break to help get the girls to bed, and they arrived home a few minutes before that time. I was naturally happy to greet them, but when I saw the two older girls, they had snobby teenager stances (even at five and seven they have that figured out), and their first words to me were: “Because of you, we couldn’t have cupcakes tonight.” This was very shocking to me because not only I had no idea there were cupcakes (and they just returned from McDonald’s, which is a rare treat), they have never been this deliberately rude to me, especially in a tag-team situation. As nice as it was to see them working together (that’s half sarcasm) that was never going to happen again. If my brother and I did that to my dad, no matter what our age was, I wouldn’t be writing this lesson right now. My girls are lucky I have a different approach (although I’m sometimes jealous of how amazingly polite my dad was able to make his three kids). I pointed out that this was the worst greeting they’ve ever given me and this better not happen again or there would be strong consequences. I then gave them a group hug to welcome them because I wanted it and told them so. I’m not sure why that was my reaction because I’ve never done that for my wife when she’s been even slightly rude to me; I’m staying away. Hugging my girls in a playful way, however, led to little girl giggles (from them and not me) and things were back to normal for getting them ready for bed. Hopefully they learned their lesson, and I won’t be forced to go harder on them like I warned because I hate having to do that (like every normal parent).
As calm as I was, this was a very troubling situation. Any guesses why they blamed me for something I didn’t know was even a thing? That was an idea planted by my wife who had transferred her anger at me to the kids. This is a very passive aggressive parent against parent through the kids’ situation, which is very foolish/dangerous/unfair thing to do. This is the kind of thing that can ruin a marriage if it’s allowed to continue. It’s also what makes divorce so terrible for a lot of people – parent’s plant ideas in their kids’ minds or at least a parent might be afraid the other is doing that (I’ve seen both). And like I pointed out in the last lesson: we accuse others of doing what we do ourselves, which means the people most afraid of their partner doing this are likely the ones doing it (or the accuser is like me and actually knows what they’re talking about, but that’s rare). Fortunately, as soon as I mentioned this greeting in our exploratory conversation, my wife acknowledged she had made a mistake, and promised it would never happen again. If it does, this issue that held a minor role in our discussion will become a much heavier one to address because you can’t let this type of thing happen.
When it comes to conflict and bad moments like this (and the terrible exploratory conversation we had), the healthiest thing we can do after is try to learn from them in order to give the experience value and make it easier to accept (i.e. healing) and hopefully prevent it from happening again. While I tried to figure out what I could learn (I try to follow my own advice), I remembered a scale I taught a few years ago that has come back with full force in order to help me better understand behaviors:
Inferior Minded (-10) —— Balanced (0) —— Superior Minded (+10)
For this scale, the Inferior Minded is not about being less intelligent, but rather refers to people who feel less than others. This side is all about trying to earn love and avoid conflict whereas the Superior Minded side is all about feeling like something is deserved. This can be “I deserve special treatment because I’m…” rich, extra smart, a top athlete, standout beautiful, or in a position of power (e.g. politicians, police officers, etc.). This side follows the growing general sense of entitlement in our culture. In extreme cases, this means they don’t have to follow rules because they’re somehow above them. I’m a recovering workaholic who grew up trying to prove himself and be good enough for people to like; guess what side that makes me? After puberty, my wife grew up the most beautiful girl in almost any room she entered; guess what side that made her? Of course, my wife was still a teenager, which means she was worried about how she looked and what people thought of her, but deep down, she knew she was ahead of the curve because she had a lot of special attention from guys of all ages. She was also quietly hated by a lot of girls. Like all things, being beautiful has its benefits and drawbacks.
I would say my wife is more of a 5 on the Superior Minded side, which means she can be very generous and kind, but it comes from a place of needing to be responsible for others. It’s like being a mom to the world: “Because of my position, I’m responsible to help you.” For those above 5 and moving toward the 10 on this scale, you become more into yourself and less caring of others. Meanwhile, my Inferior Minded side is generous more out of fear of upsetting someone: “That server was terrible, but I better leave a good tip, so that person I will never see again won’t hold ill-will toward me.” My side is weak and overly worried about what others think because I naturally see them as above me. Fortunately, I’ve been working on this, but it’ll be a lifetime struggle.
What’s interesting is most situations can be seen from either side. For instance, if someone isn’t doing something they should be doing, it can be a sign they’re on the Inferior Minded side: “I’m afraid and avoiding it,” or it can be a sign they’re on the Superior Minded side: “I can’t be bothered because it’s beneath me.” If you think people are talking about you, it can be from fear and being insecure (i.e. Inferior Minded) or because you think you’re so important, people would naturally be talking about you (i.e. Superior Minded). If you like to help others, it might be connected to “Maybe you’ll like me if I help you,” or because you want to prove yourself through others (i.e. a potential motivation for some coaches), which follows the Inferior Minded side. It can also be: “Let me try to raise you closer to my level,” and “Let me bless you with my brilliance,” which follows the Superior Minded side. If someone has a panic attack, they can feel ashamed that they can’t handle things better (i.e. Inferior Minded) or they’ll think they deserve special treatment because of how they had a bad moment (i.e. Superior Minded). Even being a Christian can be from either side. For instance, “I need God because I’m a sinner” versus “I’m God’s chosen.” Not believing can also be here with Inferior Minded being afraid that connecting to God will lead to others judging them (i.e. they’re more worried about what people think than God). They could also be too scared to take a chance and burying their head behind being busy or basic distractions and coping tools like drinking or smoking pot. Meanwhile, Superior Minded people might not believe because Christians are weird (not a wrong thought), they think they’re fine without God, or it’ll take them away from doing what they want. Simply put, they’ll likely be thinking “I deserve to live the way I want.”
Tip: People can definitely live without God in this life and be fine, but the problem is the same can’t be said about the next life.
The reason my early situation with my daughters is so inappropriate is these young girls were clearly talking down to me like they’re in the Superior Minded spot. That should definitely never happen because a parent like me needs to be in an authority position. I’ve worked hard to prevent these moments, and I was doing well. Unfortunately, this was a bad moment, but a good reminder how parents need to be careful not to undermine one another. In this situation, I got in the way of my wife having what she thought she deserved – the proper birthday experience for our two-year-old. From my experience, my wife would not be alone in this thinking. She regularly follows the stereotypical wife mentality, so yes, that means there have been times where she’s felt like I, her husband, was an extra child. Fortunately, this thought has been rare (and more importantly, it’s very wrong). What’s interesting is many women flip sides since they see themselves as Superior Minded with their husband, but they can be Inferior Minded when it comes to others. Either way, a couple is at their happiest when they see both of themselves in the middle and treat each other as an equal. It’s like tires on a car; when they’re not aligned properly, they can easily put you in the ditch.
An Interesting Note: Three lessons ago we considered God’s will versus the devil’s. The devil’s will is to get us to be as close to the -10 and +10 as possible whereas God’s will is for us to be more in the center. The devil wants to make us feel like we’re less than or more than others whereas God wants us to recognize that in our humanity we’re all equals. After all, we all have things to improve and things for which to be grateful.
TO BE CONT’D
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