I recently came across a Bible verse that really struck a chord: “Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.” (Mat 10:16). This verse is powerful because Jesus isn’t telling people to go out into the world as pushovers who get taken advantage of like an overly nice person. Instead, He’s telling people to be “shrewd” in a way that isn’t harmful. I should point out that when Jesus said to be harmless He wasn’t meaning to be politically correct. Considering He was speaking as a Jewish man at a time and culture when “politically correct” allowed orgies, shrine prostitutes, and watching crucifixions for fun, He wasn’t referring to today’s over the top social etiquette rules that include “body shaming” concerns. Jesus was very direct. In this verse Jesus is also telling us that the world is full of mean people, and we need to be ready for that – He definitely experienced that firsthand. Later He says, “When you are persecuted in one town, flee to the next.” (Mat 10:23). Notice He says “when” and not “if” you get persecuted. He’s also telling us to get away from persecution as quickly as possible. We shouldn’t sit there taking mistreatment even though a lot of good people just take the hit. This is what nice in a healthy way looks like. It’s being shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves while being ready to run to a safer place if the wolves get too hungry (although Jesus clearly didn’t follow his own advice).
I recently had an interesting moment that fits well with this concept. My family including my sister were at my mom’s having family dinner together when my mom started sharing a story. This was strange because she’s normally more the listener than sharer when there’s a group there. My sister already heard the story and I could feel a vibe from her as soon as my mom started it – that’s not a great sign. It wasn’t the full “someone died” vibe, but it wasn’t happy. The story started with my mom turning on her computer and a siren went off with a flashing screen. There was a number there that said “For Apple support, call [number].” Two things I should point out. My mom uses an Apple laptop because she’s a baller… or my sister’s friend sold her their old one and my sister thought it was a good idea because she only uses Apple. My sister is a baller, but not having kids allows for that. Here’s the second thing. My mom has an old-school flip phone (I said she wasn’t a baller), so unlike the majority of the world who would’ve looked up the Apple support number on their own phone, my mom trusted the “Apple support” line that came up on the computer. In my mom’s defense she was told her using an Apple computer was a good idea because there isn’t the same risk for viruses as for PCs. She also doesn’t like to bother people, so she tried to deal with it on her own, you know like a grownup. To my mom’s credit she’s very independent. To my mom’s detriment, she’s overly nice and should’ve contacted one of her three kids or two daughters-laws because we like to have opportunities to do things for her. After all, I was listening to this story while my mom was feeding me and my family – a little computer support is the least we should be doing for her. If we didn’t want to help, we’d be users and horrible sons and daughter/daughters-in-laws.
The problem with scammers is they know how to get in your head. They are professional thieves. Unless you’ve experienced them before or heard stories of how others have been scammed, you’re susceptible because they prey on fear. The problem with fear is it causes the blood to leave our brain and go to our hands and feet for the fight or flight response. If you need to run or punch someone, you want high blood flow to those areas. The same thing happens with anger because fear and anger go together like bread and honey (or something more grownup). Scammers prey on panic, so their goal is to send you into a spiral of chaos and get you so caught up in moment you can’t see anything beyond that moment. They typically make a bunch of false accusations hoping one will trigger you to freak out. For instance, I once received an email claiming to be from the government because the user of that computer had been doing and looking at illegal things listing five options. As an outsider it’s easy to see: “You just threw five things at me in hopes that one would stick or make me scared to be accused of doing… I’m pretty sure that means you don’t know what I’ve actually done.” Even worse, scammers prey on innocence, so it’s not the jerks who get scammed; it’s the good people. Jerks recognize their own whereas nice people can’t imagine anyone being that mean.
My mom is a very trusting person, which helps her be very kind. My brain constantly flips between “I want to trust you,” and “People suck.” This means I can be at risk of being taken advantage of and then I feel extra stupid because I know I should’ve known better. This has been a big problem in hiring workers to work at my house. My mom, on the other hand, either has better luck at picking people or her kindness brings the best out in others. In this situation, my mom’s trusting nature had her going longer on the phone than I would’ve, but she still ended up recognizing there was something wrong in this situation and she went to the police station when they told her to go to the bank and get money out to send them. Unfortunately, there’s nothing the police can do (what a great justice system), but at least the scammers got scared, hung up, and left her alone after.
My response was to be proud of my mom to figure out this was a scam before any money was given. She was able to get past her innocence and kindness to realize this was an evil person. It’s hard for good people to see others as bad, but she eventually did before anything bad really happened. Many others aren’t so lucky. It’s also a great story my mom can share for protecting others from potential scammers. I’ve heard people tell me stories where they weren’t as quick as my mom to see past the fear and they were scammed. My sister’s response was very different than mine. She was filled with guilt for not being able to protect my mom. Where I was proud of my mom, my sister was upset with her for not asking for help. This is the typical difference between a man and woman where the guy is like “Good; you’re fine. Now, brush it off,” while the woman’s nurturing side kicks in and she feels bad for what happened and potentially blames herself. This is often the difference between dads and moms where the dad is like “Learn from it,” while the mom is more “I want to protect/coddle you.”
That being noted, here are a couple questions to go with this:
- Am I heartless for not being upset or am I just being logical?
- Is my sister caring or being overly caring?
- Is there one response that’s better or are both acceptable?
I think both responses are acceptable, but mine feels a lot better for both me and my mom. Personally, I think my route was healthier because it lacked blame being put anywhere but where it belonged – on the evil caller. People who do scams make me glad heaven isn’t for everyone. There needs to be repercussions for people living such evil lives.
Here are two more questions to consider:
- Should my mom feel proud of herself or shame for not seeing the scam right from the beginning?
- Should my sister feel guilt for having given my mom the computer in the first place or is that on my mom?
You’ll notice all my questions have two options like I teach because it helps having the juxtaposition. My wife once said that what I did was mean and I asked, “Can you give me a better way to handle it or did I respond the best way I could even though it didn’t feel good?” And in that moment, she had nothing because I had handled it the best way possible. Just because it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, and instead of defending myself it was helpful to ask the question, especially because if there was a better way I’m not seeing, it’d be good for me to learn.
To answer my earlier questions, I would rather my mom be proud of herself than ashamed. I would also want my sister to recognize my mom is a grownup who can make her own decisions and it’s not her fault for setting my mom up with an Apple computer. She can feel sorry for the unfortunate stress of it all and be angry at the evil scammers, but there’s no need to turn this onto herself. Being nice means being a balance of shrewd and gentle; not making everything our fault.
This week may you consider what it means to be shrewd and gentle instead of mean or a pushover.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.