Being Nice to Ourselves

Sometimes the best way to be nice to others is to be nice to ourselves – does that sound contradictory? The truth is when we’re at our best (i.e. rested and feeling confident), we’re going to be our best for others.  It’s also a lot easier for me to be nice to others in a healthy way when I’m already in the mindset of being nice to myself.  I can actually treat others as I want to be treated.  Of course, by being nice in a healthy way I’m not referring to pampering myself with a spa day (or something more manly) or buying something not in the budget: “I needed to do something for me… even though now I’ve screwed my future self over financially.”  What’s important to recognize is there’s ultimately only so much niceness to go around.  If we’re overly nice to others, there’s not a lot of niceness left for ourselves.  Similarly, if I’m ever overly nice to myself, there’s not a lot of niceness left for others.  This means if I’m ever overly nice to one party, I’m going to be mean to the other.  Meanwhile, if I’m properly nice to myself, there’s only room to be properly nice to others – it’s a win-win. 

So what does being nice in a healthy way look like? Here are three ways:

1. Letting ourselves feel the emotion: (Feelings can be liars, so we need to be careful with this one) We need to let ourselves feel the appropriate emotion in order to let it go.  As a former champion suppresser, I’ve given up my title in order to become healthier and let myself feel things… at least on occasion.  What’s sad is sometimes people are embarrassed at having certain emotions.  They’ll say things like “I’m not sad; I’m depressed,” or “I’m not scared, I’m anxious.”  You know those are the same basic things, right? Depression falls under the category of sadness just like anxiety falls under the category of fear.  One term is not more mature or enlightened than the other; it’s just semantics.  In a similar way, I’ve said, “You must be angry,” and the person replied, “No, I’m not angry; I’m frustrated.”  It’s like people are afraid to admit they have basic emotions like sadness, fear, and anger, but they’re all healthy.  We atually need to experience all three of these once in awhile.  For instance, never getting “angry” doesn’t make you a good person; it makes you someone who’s suppressing, in denial, or emotionally handicapped, and neither of those are great options.

I felt anger recently – yea? While driving I stopped earlier than I needed to in order to let a car leaving a parking lot into my lane.  There was a red light ahead and I made sure I wasn’t messing anyone up behind me – I don’t want to be thoughtful to one person only to be mean to another.  My stopping early was the only way this driver was going to get in, and how did that driver in need thank me? By avoiding eye contact and not waving.  You know, like a jerk.  I then let in another driver because there was just enough room for a second car and guess what they did? The exact same thing – another jerk.  I was alone in my car, so out loud I exclaimed, “Wow, those two drivers suck!”  That doesn’t sound nice, but here’s the thing – it was being nice to me.  Sometimes we need to be nice to ourselves and let it out, especially if we’re by ourselves or with a trusted friend who will agree with us: “They do suck!” It’s important to note that I didn’t go overboard swearing at them or obsessing on the point.  I simply stated a fact – they suck – and then carried on with my day.  As someone who tends to suppress my feelings, this is a very healthy activity to do because it’s one less thing for me to have stuffed down to boil over later. 

• Try to be in a good spot:  The better spot we can be in our lives, the better we’ll handle the trials that come our way.  What does that mean? In AA they teach HALT – beware of Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, and Tired because being in those spots we are more likely to set us up for failure.  Another way to look at this is a tool I mentioned in my relationship book: “Treat your partner like a baby,” which means when they’re angry ask yourself, “Were they hungry, tired, in pain, needing a distraction, or needing a hug?” because those are the main reasons people lose self control and considering this will give you more patience and strength.  This idea is a great reminder that we need to know what our problem is before expressing ourselves inappropriately, especially if what we want is a hug – if you want a hug, ask; screaming at the person is very counterproductive. 

In my 52 Lessons to be a Better Person: The perfect gift for someone else, I mention we want to make sure the four parts of the person (i.e. body, mind, heart, and soul (aka physical, mental, emotional/social, and spiritual)) are being addressed properly because otherwise that will also throw us off.  If we neglect one or more of these areas we’re not going to be at our best.  As a parent of young kids this becomes very difficult because I don’t have the time or energy to do this properly, but I still need to do what I can in order to be the best I can be.  On a scale where 10 is the best, being a 6 is still better than being a 2.

The idea we want to be in a better spot to handle the trials of life was made very apparent recently.  I had an absolutely brutal week, but I didn’t realize it until I looked back on everything.  It started with a leak in the new part of our house being looked at by a neighbor who’s a roofer.  He had already fixed two other leaks (that’s been fun) because the I guy I used has been “too busy” to come out.  This was the first time my neighbor looked at the flat roof section and he pointed out it was not only installed very poorly (something I suspected), they used a material that’s not supposed to be walked on.  Considering it’s supposed to be a rooftop patio, that’s less than ideal.  That means the roof being less than two years old needs to be replaced if we want to use it as planned – awesome – or we wait a few years when there are more leaks from the improper installation and then redo it – who doesn’t love leaks? My neighbor then pointed out I should take the old roofer to small claims court, which, as someone who hates conflict, is fantastic, but at least it might save me the money to redo it.  That was the start of my week – ouch.  Over the next three days there was a steady flow of family drama and on the fourth day I had a terrible situation come up at work where someone tried to get me in a lot of trouble – good times.  After this barrage of crap I commented to my wife that every major area in my life was hit only to be proven wrong a few days later when a couple we were starting to get close to at church told us they are moving up north – now every major part was hit.  At the end of it all I realized I had handled this very challenging week really well, and that was largely because I was in a good spot going into it.  During low times of this addition (that’s now 33 months in) I had less happen and knock me down a lot harder because I was already struggling. Being in a good spot can make all the difference.

• Remember how good we have it:  While at Clovermead Adventure Farm (the best place you can go with kids under 10) I asked my mom what her favourite thing to do with her family was as a child.  Her response was definitely not what I was expecting: “Things were different back then; we didn’t have the same options.  I remember most Sundays we’d go as a family to put flowers at the graves of deceased family members.  Back then this was so common, there were people selling flowers at the cemetery.”  Wow, that sounds just like going to Disneyland… if it was blown up.  Actually a blown up Disneyland would still be more interesting because there would be some crazy stories and sights to go with the remnants.  How spoiled are we that as parents our challenge is picking what family activity to do whether a zoo, aquarium, amusement park, splash pad, or touristy spot like Niagara Falls? On top of that, on my shelf is a little metal car slightly bigger than a dinky car with a key to wind it up to slowly go a short distance.  This was the gift my dad was given as a boy at Christmas.  Notice I wrote “the gift” and not “a gift” because that’s all my dad received that Christmas besides a stalking with a few trinkets and an orange.  How lucky are we as parents to be able to give what we can? How lucky are the kids nowadays to receive what they do? And how do we respond? We largely take it for granted and forget to be appreciative.  Sometimes being nice to ourselves is all about being aware of how lucky we are – life can be hard, but it could be a lot harder. 

This week may you consider how you can be nicer to yourself.

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)