Tip: This post can be helpful even if you’re not a parent since it can give ideas for what your parents could’ve done differently (or it can help you judge bad parents with more insight).
As a therapist, arguably the most important thing I can teach parents is to relax because no matter what they do, they’re going to screw their kid up in some way – that’s fun, isn’t it? I’m a parent, and I’m screwing up my kids. I had great parents and they screwed me up. That’s one of life’s guarantees – death, taxes, and screwing up your kids. Last week we looked at this scale:
No Nurturing (-10)———Healthy Nurturing (0)———Overly Nurturing (+10)
Whether you’re on the negative or positive side, you’re going to screw up your kid in some way. Even if you’re in the healthy middle spot, you’re going to screw up your kid in some way. This is because for every strength there a weakness and for every weakness there is a strength. For instance, when you grow up in the healthy spot you end up not understanding what it’s like to grow up in a home where you weren’t loved enough or loved too much. Ultimately, we can only really know what we’ve experienced, which means we’re all screwed up in some way. The important thing is what the grownup does with their childhood; do they use it to make themselves a better person or to be a bad person whether entitled or a whiner? Your childhood is what has helped shape who you are today. If someone can’t accept their childhood, the odds are it’s because their present life sucks. Andre Agassi, one of the biggest tennis players in the world from 1986 to 2006 was so big they made a video game after him (even Oprah and Dr. Phil never had that… although that might be because those would be some boring games). His success was ultimately the result of his dad being so insane he moved the family to Las Vegas in order to make a tennis court in the backyard the kids could use year round. He made each of his three kids hit 10,000 balls a day – no thank you. Unlike his brother and sister who cracked, Andre’s anger against his dad fueled him to grow to be a world success. Was the childhood pain worth it? Now, I’m sure Agassi would say yes. His struggles were used to give him the life he knows. At the other end, I know a young man who says he has incredible parents, but it’s left him with anxiety issues largely because he’s never had to suffer. It’s like how I’m currently working in my cool basement in the middle of a heat wave. When I worked outside all summer, I did better than most of the people I worked with on the hottest days and now when I go outside my body is like: “What is this terribleness?” Comfort can make us weak, which ultimately goes back to my point: Whether you’re the best parent or the worst, you’re going to screw your kid up in some way; it’s up to the kid, however, to determine whether they use it to be better or not.
I would argue that my mom and a lot of her friends from that older generation were closer to the middle on the nurturing scale. Back then moms talked to their own moms for suggestions and then worked with their husbands to find a happy medium whereas modern moms typically look to social media for guidance, which is fueling the modern day problem of moms judging moms (i.e. mom shaming). Social media has allowed for vanity to grow and make nurturing a competition, which ultimately, makes moms scared of each other. It’s also caused a common problem of mom’s not listening to their husbands who are naturally more relaxed: (dad) “They’ll live.” (mom) “You’re such a child. You don’t know anything. Instagram has taught me…” As a therapist, women not giving the dads a say in how they’ll raise the kids is a growing problem. The moms are taking over: “It’s my baby. I choose,” and then they resent the husband for not being more involved. This struggle is made all the worst with blended families where nurturing gets divided unevenly. The following is the typical dynamic for the mom/step mom: 1. Her kids 2.Herself 3. The new husband 4. The new husband’s kids. Meanwhile the dad’s main concern is to keep his new wife happy (women tend to want to make everyone happy with kids being number one while men tend to want to make a woman happy – we typically have a narrow focus). This dynamic means his own kids are left feeling rejected and often resentful of him. If the step mom doesn’t have kids, this dynamic will be avoided, but the step mom will often grow resentment feeling like the third wheel in raising the kids since women want more of a say of what’s going on in their house. Sometimes these dynamics are reversed and it’s the dad in this position, but either way it proves that the best thing we can do is make sure we’re marrying and having kids with the right person and that we’re doing everything we can to keep the relationship healthy because divorce is brutal. It’s also a demonstration of how over nurturing with a select few leads to being mean to others. When we over nurture, the question becomes who is being the most hurt because someone is always being hurt.
The biggest problem with over nurturing is a lack of discipline. When a three year old I know was told by a relative to say please because that’s how princesses talk she replied: “I don’t need to use princess words. I just dress like one.” Guess who runs that girl’s household – brutal. A parent of this child later ended up yelling, “These are my kids. I will discipline them the way I want!” Do you know what a red flag looks like? There’s one. Screaming this statement suggests this person knows they’re screwing up and they don’t want to be called out for it. If someone told me I wasn’t parenting my children right (we all have moments), I wouldn’t scream because I’m not insecure about my disciplining. Confidence means you don’t freak out. Freaking out is a fear response. Instead, I’d either ask for a suggestion or politely thank them for their point and brush it off depending on the situation and who it was. People should be allowed to offer suggestions and we’re allowed to smile and in our heads say, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” If you’re screaming like this person, you need to eat some humble pie.
Tip: Here’s a passage that recently made me eat some humble pie: “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all… God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. (Heb 12: 7-12) Powerful, isn’t it? Instead of complaining when things go wrong, I need to thank God for disciplining me as a child He loves.
The best thing parents can do is work on how they discipline. As the Bible teaches: “Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.” (Pro 13:24b) There are many options for disciplining and different kids will respond better to some over others. Whatever you choose, the two main reasons for disciplining is to help your child know you’re the one in charge; not the other way around (like the princess girl’s family have it). Kids growing up knowing the parent’s in charge will reduce future anxiety because they trust their parents to be able to protect them whereas weak parents leave kids feeling vulnerable. It also helps young people have healthy fear of authority, which is important for them doing well in school and work. The second main reason we discipline is it makes it better being a parent. I don’t mean taking out your bad day on your kids: “That was a tough day at work… I hope my kids are doing something stupid so I can take out my frustrations on them when I get home.” In fact, disciplining your kids shouldn’t feel good, but it’s necessary. We want to raise our kids to have healthy fear of us, which leads to healthy respect. A child who listens to his parents greatly reduces conflict. As my dad said, “Kids are meant to be enjoyed; not tolerated.” As a bonus thought, I’d argue parents who over nurture their kids will deter them from wanting kids of their own one day. Why would they want to be slaves to a child like their parents were?
My dad believed in three warnings and a punishment. It’s simple, clear, and easy to understand. He was also very consistent with it – all important points for nurturing properly. My mom followed his example and it worked great. I try to be like them. Meanwhile, my wife struggles with being consistent. She’s overly nice with our kids and regularly doing way too much for them. This means when she’s burnt out doing too much for them and not feeling appreciated, she explodes and then feels like a bad parent after she calms down. To me, the problem isn’t her exploding – that happens, and I do it too sometimes. The problem is she’s overly nice (that I don’t really do). Fortunately, she’s open to learning and she’s started asking me if she’s over nurturing or not. I’m logical, but my biggest problem is not being around more for her because of work and working on the house. Being by yourself as a parent with three young kids leads to moments of being overwhelmed and risk of exploding even if you’re not being overly nice.
Following my parents’ example, I believe in spanking (it worked great on me). It’s legal and very beneficial when your kids are in that 2ish-5ish year old range. It shouldn’t be the automatic go-to, and only used at the end of three warnings. I’ve spanked my oldest twice. It was never out of anger; I was in full control, which is important because anger makes us dumb and will also make us hit harder than we realize. Spanking is meant to be a clap on the bum. It’s not meant to leave a mark. Being bent over and smacked is a very humbling experience that puts the child in their place with the overall goal of never having to do it again. Now when I start counting I never get to three. How do you motivate your child? Have them know you mean business. That’s the ideal set up. And no, spanking never taught my kids it’s okay to hit because it’s very different. It teaches them there are consequences for being bad.
My second daughter is more headstrong. I’ve spanked her four times. She’s now five and at an age I’ve adjusted my punishments, and overall it’s not bad… for me. My wife struggles with her. Fortunately, my wife is starting to follow my lead more. For instance, she tried copying another mom who will threaten to take away dessert. Threats like that are stupid (no offence to that mom). All that does is set you up for a future fight. Kids are very in the moment, so dessert doesn’t matter until later when it’s dessert time. When that blew up on my wife (like it had several times before), she asked for my help. Our headstrong daughter refused to pick up a bin of crayons she accidentally dumped. Why is there a bin and not just a box? Great question. I’m not the one overbuying them stuff. My wife, like a lot of moms, has a problem over giving to the kids, but she’s getting better at not doing that (or she’s getting better at hiding it). The rule I gave was our daughter wouldn’t get dinner until she cleaned up. My wife was appalled (like a lot of moms), but reluctantly used it. Unfortunately she said it as: “Your dad said you can’t have dinner until you clean up the crayons.” She didn’t want to look mean, but by doing that she lost authority because why can’t she make the rules? Oh, I guess dad’s the one in charge. And guess how long it took before our daughter cleaned up the crayons. At first, she refused to clean up the mess (she’s a champion stubborn-er), but a few minutes later seeing everyone else eating was a solid motivator. My headstrong daughter has learned very well I will out stubborn her. My wife? Stubbornness isn’t her main issue. I win that battle (like a boss).
Tip: One of the best things I’ve learned is instead of telling the kids they’re doing something wrong, ask them with a two option question like: “Are you trying to be rude or am I misreading it?” Telling a child they’re being rude will almost always be received with even more rudeness.
Guys are traditionally the ones who are supposed to be more relaxed and say things like “Brush it off. You’ll be fine,” while the moms hug the kids better. This connects to our sloth side. The benefit to a guy’s sloth side is we look for ways to make life easier whereas women look for a “right” way of doing something. For instance, my wife was continually yelling at our headstrong daughter because she’d put her own toothpaste on her toothbrush and always put way more than she should, which becomes a health concern since she’s not good at spitting it out after. What did I do? Move the toothpaste. My wife never even considered that; our daughter should just obey her. Obeying was the right thing for our daughter to do, but my thought is why set our daughter up for failure? Help her not break a rule.
This week may you consider how parents need to nurture to a point.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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