In this third and final lesson in this series on over nurturing, we’re going to look at three more ways that people can over nurture, which is based on the following scale:
No Nurturing (-10)———Healthy Nurturing (0)———Overly Nurturing (+10)
- Micromanaging: Whether you’re a boss, a parent or anyone who is in a position of authority, even if you’re a co-worker or friend who is overstepping their authority, micromanaging is incredibly frustrating to everyone else. Micromanaging is being too involved in something that’s meant to be someone else’s responsibility. Even if the intention is to be helpful, micromanaging is being overly controlling. Whether this person realizes it or not, micromanaging is saying, “I don’t trust you,” “You’re incompetent, so I need to take over,” and “I can do this better than you, so step aside.” This means even though micromanaging ultimately comes from a place of fear (i.e. I don’t want you to struggle), it comes across as very arrogant and condescending. Even worse, micromanaging prevents others from spreading their wings and being able to see what they can do thereby building self esteem. It limits growth for others while causing more pressure on the person trying to control everything. I’ve been very lucky to have naturally learned not to be micromanaging. How? By recognizing others are way more talented than I am. This means I can be picky, but that’s different than micromanaging. Picky is pushing the other person to do even better; it’s not taking over. It’s still meant to be a collaboration, but asking the person to adjust or be better than they originally realized they could. Meanwhile, micromanaging means not listening to others’ input and/or stifling their skills in some way.
The first church I worked at the pastor was very hands off of the youth group and it was amazing. It let me try things on my own. It allowed me to discover what would work or what wouldn’t (i.e. I was allowed to fail). I think a major reason for this is the pastor recognized he knew nothing about running a youth group or he was distracted focusing on others areas of the church (where he was micromanaging). Or maybe I’m not being positive enough. Maybe he trusted me… although it was likely because there weren’t any families in the church he was worried about attacking him because of me like the pastors at my second church.
As a therapist I have to be careful not to micromanage. Instead, I need to only teach and guide my clients, and then give them space to discover what works for them. I need to trust them to live their own lives. This is the same thing we need to do for friends. We need to be ready to offer a listening ear, guidance (only if they ask), and space to let them deal with their own junk. We need to trust other people even if it’s to trust them to get back up when they fall… and that’s what a lot of moms struggle with in regards to their kids – trusting their kids to handle setbacks and failures in order to learn important life lessons. A lot of moms (and some dads) over nurture their kids, which holds the kids back. Kids need to be told no and that their parents can’t afford certain things because it is supposed to encourage them to get their own job and make money. In a couple of biographies I read of very successful people, the hardest thing they said as a parent was to teach their child a hunger like they had growing up. When life is too easy, you’re not going to push yourself. You’re more likely to coast unless you create a sort of competition with the parent where you want to make your own mark, but that’s pretty rare.
At the same time, a lot of guys need to learn to stop trying to fix their wives problems. Women are external processors, which means they’re likely coming up with their own solutions as they speak (or they just like whining). Just like women want to make their kids happy, men typically want to make their woman happy, but either way, we need to be careful not to micromanage because that ultimately pushes the other person away.
- Doing Too Much: People need to know their limits, which is advice a lot of parents seem to be forgetting these days as they put their kids into too many activities and then burn out themselves (and their kids) trying to keep up with the schedule they’ve created. My wife is bad for this. She regularly says something like “I can’t do it all.” The basic answer to this should be: “Good, then stop trying. Give yourself some fair expectations.” My wife regularly sets herself up for failure trying to do too much for the kids and others (i.e. a typical female problem). Her thoughtfulness leads to her feeling guilt (i.e. a typical female problem) whereas most guys are more relaxed (i.e. not thoughtful). The other day she was upset with herself and said, “I can’t it all,” and I responded, “I didn’t ask you to.” She rebutted, “But my job is to keep the house clean, and I can’t keep up.” I then corrected her, “That’s not your job. Your job is to help oversee that things are done. You’re not the family janitor. You need to have the girls clean up their own messes. Your job is to teach the girls how to clean, so they can do the same one day.” The problem with this, however, is it’s often easier for a parent to do the job themselves, but that’s only saving some energy in the moment. It’s better to have the conflict and force the kids to do it themselves, so in the long run everyone is better off. It’s like you discipline your child now, so the future will be better. The problem with being in survival mode (a common state of a parent with young kids) is you often forget to think ahead, but just like planning for your retirement at work, you want to plan your retirement from being a parent.
- Let People Have their Feelings: One of the ways we over nurture is by not letting people have their feelings. My wife is great with me… the kids not so much. When I’m having a grumpy moment or need some space, my wife is excellent at letting me have it. She’s learned trying to “fix” my emotion isn’t going to lead to anything good. Trying to “fix” anyone’s emotion isn’t going to lead to anything good. People need to be allowed their emotion. I know in previous lessons I’ve mentioned that feelings can be liars, which complicates this idea, but when the timing is right (i.e. the person is in a space to actually listen), you want to ask a good question like “Is that a true feeling you have (i.e. should you feel guilt for that) or is that your brain being mean to you?”
The most important thing about letting people have their emotion leads to another important rule: We should never hurt people in our emotion. Similarly, we should never let others hurt us in their emotion. If someone is angry and wants to yell, give them space. If they want to specifically yell at you, tell them you’ll be back in however many minutes (e.g. 5, 15, the next day). We shouldn’t let others attack us. Good people help others not attack them because generally speaking, when people are in the right state of mind, they don’t want to hurt you. Unfortunately there are some people who follow the ideas: “Misery loves company,” and “Hurt people, hurt people.”
A lot of modern day parents struggle to let their kids suffer. In previous generations? Parents were fine. I had a friend whose parents told him that he had to leave the house by 8am and then be home for dinner. What he did or where he went in between didn’t matter. They wanted him out of the house. That’s very different than today. I was recently talking to a friend when we were at Clovermead (a fantastic place) and because of how long we spent there, her son wasn’t going to be able to get to soccer in time. He was naturally very upset. She tried different approaches that didn’t work (as I expected), so I asked, “Should he be upset that he’s missing soccer or do you just feel guilty?” She obviously chose guilty, and then she gave her son space to be upset because he had a right to be. It can be hard to see someone you love upset, but sometimes the best thing we can do is let them feel their emotion.
This week may you continue to consider how you can nurture in a healthier way.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.