The one common question I don’t understand is “Does this make me look fat?” An outfit doesn’t make you look fat – you make yourself look fat. The question should be, “Does this hide my fat enough to make me marginally better looking than I would in a bathing suit?” That’s what we’re hoping will happen. Skinny people never have to ask, “Does this make me look fat?” because they never look fat: “Does this fat suit make me look fat for my Halloween costume?” Yes, that just proved my earlier statement wrong, but skinny people don’t look fat unless they’re trying to look that way with pillows, balloons, or stuffing fat people under their shirts. If you’re skinny, you can wear horizontal stripes and be okay. You can wear white… and have terrible fashion. Wedding dresses make me laugh: What colour makes people look bigger than they are? White. Perfect; let’s make brides who are trying to look their best start with a colour that will add a few pounds to the way they look.
Unfortunately, I don’t think my question: “Does this hide my fat enough?” will take over because people don’t want to be honest to themselves. Once we admit we’re fat, it puts us in a position to either do something about it or accept that we’re not only fat, we’re also lazy. That doesn’t make you look good or feel good. In a job interview, that’s not what people typically admit when asked about their strengths and weaknesses: “Yeah, I’m really hard working… if you ignore the way I look. I’m selectively hard working because I work so hard at my job I don’t have time or energy left to take care of myself.”
This is at the root of lying: Am I first lying to myself, so what I’m saying to you is “true” or am I aware that I’m lying to you and hope you buy it? How do you beat a lie detector test with a lie? Lie to yourself first, so you’re speaking “truth”. That’s why one event can have different opinions – everyone is speaking their “truth” based on their own biases and how they want to remember it.
The question, “Does this make me look fat?” is not only a kind of lie it encourages the other person to lie: “Am I allowed to be honest or are you going to take out your anger on me if I do?” This leads to a different way of looking at honesty: is it a lie or is it playing the game? For instance, if someone is asking that question because they’re looking for a fight, play the game to protect yourself; say no and then in your head say, “You look fat because you are fat; it’s not the outfit.” Play the game, so you don’t lose.
I’d say the difference between lying and playing the game comes down to another question: What is the goal? People who are playing the game are trying to figure out what the other person wants and working with that as the starting point. For instance, when someone asks “Does this make me look fat?” do they want an actual honest answer because they’re afraid of others judging them later or are they looking to be reassured that they are loved despite their fluffiness? This is a question that most husbands need to figure out on their own because every wife is different. My wife wants more of an honest answer, so I have to find the honest yet loving response.
This connects to my typical scale set up:
Lie (-10)——Healthy Honesty (0) ——Mean Honesty (+10)
Notice how the positive side is about Mean Honesty? There’s a serious difference between Healthy Honesty and Mean Honesty. Mean Honesty hurts the other person because what you’re saying is said harsher than it needs to be whereas a lie enables bad behavior. To answer my question: “Does this make me look fat?” If the response is “Obviously!” with laughter, that’s pretty mean. If the response is “I think I prefer your other outfit with the…” that’s a much nicer version of the same basic idea. Healthy Honesty is a lot like playing the game – I’m answering what I believe they want to know in as nice yet direct way as possible.
Healthy Honesty is also found using a good question: Do you think you’re being fair to that person or are you being mean? Notice I’m not telling the person they’re mean but asking them. This is a very healthy approach. If they get angry because they’re a “read between the lines” person, the one wise option is to simply go with a guess; “I’m guessing I just made you angry with my question because you are being mean and you’re upset you’ve been called out on that.” The other wise option is to ask another question: “If you’re angry at this question, does that translate to you knowing you’re being mean or am I misreading that?” The odds are you’ll get yelled at, but you know the answer is “Yes, they know they’re being mean and they’re continuing to be mean to hide their being mean.” People are brilliant. In either situation, if the person continues to be mean to you, say, “I’ll be back in (give a time).” Don’t ever stick around to get attacked by someone. Love them enough to protect them from being a jerk.
Here’s the problem: When people do bad things they don’t like being called out on it. If you point this out in any way, you’re likely going to get attacked. When people are doing good things and get accused of being bad, they get hurt. There’s a big difference between those two things, and a lot of husbands end up in the latter situation: “Why would you think I was trying to hurt you? That won’t end well for me. You’re way better at being mean than I am.” If the former is the situation (i.e. they are being bad), it becomes a question for the receiver: Do you want to be strong and a loving friend/partner or do you want to enable the bad behavior? If you love someone, you won’t enable them. Love means telling people when they’re screwing up.
This points out the problem with Healthy Honesty – it can still get you in trouble. A few months ago I told my wife something and she was upset with me. I then asked, “Are you angry at me because I was honest and it was hard to hear or is there a better way for me to have said that?” She didn’t have a response, so it was the former. The unfortunate reality is being a good person doing a good thing like being honest in a healthy way doesn’t spare you conflict. I, for one, feel better getting in trouble for doing the right thing the best way I can rather than avoiding a conflict by being weak and feeling guilty about it later.
I recently had a very candid conversation with a friend where I basically asked: “Can I be honest with you? (Pause to see if there’s any hint of a ‘don’t you dare’) You need to change,” and I then told him how. That conversation was a sign of my trust in him and his receiving it demonstrated his trust in me. He was an excellent example of someone who took what I said in the best way possible. This is a sign of his great character and follows what’s taught in Proverbs, the wisdom book of the Bible: “If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.” (Pro 15:31-32) “Anyone who rebukes a mocker will get an insult in return. Anyone who corrects the wicked will get hurt.So don’t bother correcting mockers; they will only hate you. But correct the wise, and they will love you.Instruct the wise, and they will be even wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn even more.” (Pro 9:7-9) “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid.” (Pro 12:1) I love the honesty in the last one, but that’s not a great verse to mention when someone gets upset with your honesty: “If you hate my honesty, the Bible says you’re stupid.”
The most important point to take from this lesson is very simple: Honesty should build trust. If it’s not building trust, but rather getting a weight off your shoulders, that’s not healthy honesty; that’s being selfish. Don’t dump the baggage you’re meant to carry from your own bad decisions onto someone who wasn’t meant to carry it. What’s an example of Mean Honesty? An older married man telling a young woman, “If I was single, I’d be all over you.” That’s gross. A pet peeve of mine is a single guy who tells his female friend he secretly has feelings for her – there goes that friendship. If she liked him, he wouldn’t have had to say that; it would’ve been clear. Girls in these situations always feel betrayed: “I thought we were friends.” Of course, girls who think they’re just friends are lying to themselves: “To everyone else he’s a jerk, but I bring out the best in him because of our friendship and not because he wants to see me naked.”
One of the dumbest things a guy in a relationship can do is tell his partner he watches porn – that’s going to hurt her and destroy trust. I’ve met a number of guys who have done this because they disagreed with me, but good luck to their marriages. It’s like in AA. Your mentor isn’t a spouse. It’s supposed to be an older, more experienced person who won’t take your mistakes personally. We’re meant to have close relationships with more than just our spouse, which means having certain conversations with certain people. The idea our partner is supposed to be our everything is a modern lie caused by people trying to sound romantic. Real love is how we treat others; it is patient, kind, etc. And sometimes we need to play the game because that’s healthier honesty.
This week may you consider the difference between healthy honesty and lies and mean honesty.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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