When it comes to buying things, labels are crucial. When it comes to people, however, labels are… risky. When I write “label” I don’t mean categorizing people because that’s a necessary social skill. For instance, talking to a two year old should be very different than talking to your wife… unless you’re trying to annoy her: “Who’s a good, little wife-y pooh?” Women tend to feel good after doing good things for others whereas men tend to feel good after playfully annoying or grossing others out. One of those makes you a good person… the other makes you hilarious. If I have a choice of being good or hilarious I know what I’m choosing, especially because annoying or grossing others out can feel like such an accomplishment (yes, I might have a problem).
When I write that labels are risky for people I mean the mental health labels that have grown in popularity over the last twenty years. You know the ones certain people love to use in order to look “enlightened” while accusing others of being the problem: “I had to leave my partner because I realized they’re a gas lighting, manipulative narcissist, so long before officially leaving I made sure to hide a chunk of money they didn’t know about.” Notice how that line made the accuser sound like the gas lighting, manipulative narcissist? That’s often what happens when we label people – we typically accuse others of doing what we do ourselves.
I should point out that some labels like ADD can be helpful for management purposes. For instance, my wife has ADD (not to brag). This is a helpful label to know because it gives us both more patience for the way her brain naturally wants to work. The quick summary of an ADD brain is it’s impulsive, reactive and flips between easily distracted or hyper-focused. For instance, the other week my wife and I were at a fancy dinner for my company’s twenty-fifth anniversary. While we were talking with several people we didn’t really know, the one person mentioned something that triggered my wife to be very excited to share something herself and she cut him off. She didn’t want to be rude, but it was teetering on the line. After she was done sharing, I jumped in: “And you were saying…” As this person got back into his story my wife whispered to me, “Thank you,” because she realized she had been impulsive and borderline rude, but this was a good recovery. I wasn’t embarrassed or bothered she cut him off. It’s who she is and I had her back. That’s what we’re supposed to do as a partner – help.
That being noted, sometimes people are diagnosed with ADD when they’re really just not getting enough exercise, not eating properly, not sleeping enough, or they’re struggling with something that’s extremely stuck in their brain. That, of course, goes back to the idea that labels like ADD are helpful for management. If someone is displaying ADD symptoms, before labels and/or medication are give, we should first consider are they burning off enough energy (sitting in front of screen all day doesn’t do much), avoiding too many bad foods (i.e. too much sugar or any red food dye can really affect some people), getting enough sleep (i.e. being overtired messes with people), or are they going through something really difficult that’s distracting them because they’re hyper-focused on that issue. This leads to the key with labels: Labels aren’t excuses; they’re a window to what we need to do to be better.
I get very frustrated when people wear their label like a badge, especially when it comes to depression and anxiety. Both of those are our body’s way of saying we need to do something different. They’re not a life sentence. Sure, some people are more prone to them than others, but there’s still hope. For instance, anyone who is a naturally negative thinker can be tempted to become even more negative until the point they’re depressed and/or struggling with fear. Overly positive people can also crash into a depression because when you’re overly positive and life starts to fall apart, it can be very disillusioning. Another major cause of depression and anxiety is from a scale I looked at last year:
Inferior Thinking (-10)—–Balanced(0)—– Superior Thinking (+10)
Someone with depression or anxiety can be at either end or bouncing between the two extremes. People on the inferior side are hard on themselves and try to earn love, which means they can end up thinking things like “I’m worthless,” and “There’s no point to anything.” Thus, it makes sense that depression is a risk for these people. It might be surprising, however, to think a Superior Thinking person can also have depression, but when you feel like you “deserve” to be treated a certain way or for life to give you everything you want, it can be very upsetting when it doesn’t, which can cause a crash into despair: “Why is life so unfair to me?” It can also bounce between the two because someone who feels depressed from Inferior Thinking can then think because of their label they should be given special treatment: “I deserve special treatment/accommodations because I have (thing).” The scariest people are the ones who think things like: “I’m allowed to hurt you because I’m hurt/special.”
A popular label that I find annoying is narcissist. Talking to people going through divorce, it’s amazing how often the term narcissist is used against the partner: (me) “You mean an angry and hurt person is acting selfishly with someone they think has been selfish and mean? That’s crazy.” This connects to one of my basic rules: Who started the fight? The other person. This also means: Who was the first to be selfish? The other person. Yes, sometimes there is a clear selfish person, but people are at their worst near and during breakups. Hurt people do stupid things and they justify it because they’re protecting themselves and/or their own interests. And sometimes people are just Superior Thinking people who think they deserve better.
I was once at a thing for therapists and the leader started talking about narcissism. I had a hard time not rolling my eyes (arguably making me seem narcissistic) because it’s such an overused label, but I tried to remain open minded. Narcissism isn’t that complicated. It’s someone who makes everything about themselves, which means they don’t have a lot of compassion or thought for others. On my above scale, where does a narcissist land? At the +10 (shocking). If someone is a -10 they’re also too into themselves and their own need to hide from the world and drown their sorrows in an addiction, but that is very different. They don’t want attention. A narcissist, on the other hand, believes they’re special in some way and deserve what they want. Is this a title that can be changed? Absolutely (although I know some therapists will disagree). I put it in the same category as depression and anxiety whereas things like ADD will always be there and can only be managed. A narcissist simply needs to start eating some humble pie (the healthiest of all the pies).
What’s interesting is during the talk I looked something up that was said and found a website that talked about the eight types of narcissism (https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/eight-types-narcissists. The one that stood out to me, but I didn’t give it too much thought. The next day, however, I was in another group meeting online and the host was very quick to greet us by sharing what wonderful thing they recently did for the community (something they always do when they meet someone). When they were done sharing and there was a moment of silence, I stepped in and asked someone else in the group what they’d been up to (something the host should’ve done instead of focusing on themselves) and while this person shared, the host interrupted to say how they’re doing something similar. This happened several more times after I asked someone else something. The host has always irked me for some reason and I couldn’t figure out why until that moment: They make everything about themselves; they’re a +10 on my scale… which means they’re narcissistic, but not the traditional kind. Yes, I know I claimed we accuse others of doing what we do ourselves, but this was a different label. I wasn’t claiming this out of anger or accusation; this was an observation and a label based on what I had learned.
This is the one of the eight categories of narcissist that stood out to me: Communal Narcissists are very quick to tell people what wonderful things they’ve done for others, which in modern times typically includes posting their generous moments on social media. After sharing their amazingness, they wait to be given praise for their “giving” nature. They see themselves as altruistic, but their motivation isn’t about giving (Jesus taught we should do good things privately and without bragging); it’s about the reward they receive from others. This sense of being special can leave them being difficult to handle in personal relationships because like a normal narcissist, it’s all about them; they can be generous to others, but they’re likely more demanding at home: “I deserve… because look what I’ve done.”
Maybe this host who made the conversation about them didn’t realize what they were doing and it was just a poor social skills moment. Maybe no one has had the courage to say something because look at the good things they do. Or maybe other people recognize it’s not worth challenging this person because there could be a heavy fallout (I’m certainly not going to challenge them). After all, people who make it all about them will often crush anyone who threatens their power. Or maybe it’s an Inferior Thinking situation and the host was trying to prove themselves, which is more about having poor social skills. Either way, this label will give me more patience because I have no interest in ruffling anyone’s feathers.
This week may you consider how you can use labels in a better way.
Rev Chad David, Chaddavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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