A few weeks ago we looked at a scale that considered how the stereotypical married man struggles with sloth while women typically struggle with vanity. To take this concept a step further, women often end up in a battle between vanity and nurturing. Whether we’re naturally drawn to nurturing or not when you have kids (or pets) we should be aiming for the healthy middle of the following scale:
No Nurturing (-10)———Healthy Nurturing (0)———Overly Nurturing (+10)
What’s interesting is I find I move around on this scale depending who it is. When it comes to animals, I’m an 8. With people I’m a 2 or lower. Yes, I’ll admit I love animals more than people, but people suck, so I’m okay with that (I know I just implied that I suck as well). Years ago when I was working with young people, I’d say I ended up closer to the 0, and when it comes to babies I’m a solid -8. I’m definitely not a newborn fan. If you’re thinking, “Don’t you have three young girls?” I do. Before I had kids I would’ve been a -10, so I’ve improved (yea, me). Even my 18 month old is more naturally nurturing with babies than I am since likes to “feed” and take care of her baby doll. I was very different at her age (and any age). I’d say my interest and nurturing level steadily grew as the girls got older. I still did my responsibilities, but it was more forced. That’s an important rule to follow: Whether you have a natural nurturing side or not, you need to fulfill your responsibilities as best you can. As the girls got older, it became less forced. For instance, after four months when a baby’s brain and eyes have developed enough for them to be able to look at you, that helped move me to a -6. At a year babies are more engaging, so I was a -4 and now with my 18 month old I’d say I’m about a -2. My older girls who are five and seven years old, I’m closer to a 0 with some spikes on being overly nurturing as I sometimes have to remind myself I need to let them suffer in order to let them develop their own resilience. What I’ve learned is the more independent the kids get, the happier I become… but maybe that’ll change. And yes I’m aware that my interest in my kids corresponds with their interest in me (apparently I’m self centered), and that means my interest in them might shrink in the teen years when I’ll be embarrassing (or I’ll be more interested since I can embarrass them). The main thing for me, however, is it’s a lot easier to like my older daughters now that they’re like real humans (and they can laugh at my jokes). When it comes to other people’s kids, I’m still a -10 to -6, but there’s a reason I used to work with teenagers and not the under 12 crowd.
Side Note: I’m also an 8 for my plants as proven by how I tend to over water and fertilize them. I literally kill them with kindness.
What’s interesting is my wife’s scale would be the reverse. She was a 10 with each of the girls when they were born and as they got older and her natural nurturing side started to lower, she was craving another baby (or dog). It’s like she now needs to have her nurturing side fully on fire to feel normal. My mom was the same. She’s said that after having me, her third baby, she asked the doctor when this desire to have more kids would end, and he replied sometimes never, but your body will tell you it’s time to stop or at least take a break. He then added her body was telling her to take a break and then that time off allowed her to move from the “I need a baby” mindset to “I need to focus on the kids I have.” I’d say my wife is in a similar position. Her brain wants another, but her body is saying no (although I think I’m saying no a lot louder than her body is).
What’s interesting is my wife originally didn’t care about having kids. She wanted a dog. Maybe it’s because she grew up the youngest and having a dog, but regardless, we only have kids because I pushed for us to have them. That’s right. The guy who doesn’t like babies was the one to push for them. I might not like babies, but they don’t stay babies forever (to my wife’s chagrin) and as they grow more independent, they become more interesting to me. Kids are also part of a parent’s pension plan… a very expensive pension plan that will likely send me to an earlier grave.
Besides my wife’s lack of interest before having kids, from my experience this is a pretty stereotypical set up. Women are typically much more drawn to babies than men and as the kids get into the terrible twos a lot of women miss the baby phase (and the control) while most men start to be more interested in them. It’s like God knew what He was doing since this makes it easier for families to grow. It’d be hard for women to have more than one child if they never had some emotional separation from the baby, which is symbolized as the baby is in them, then nursing off them, and then growing in independence. This also explains why a lot of last borns can be pampered as they get older. The mom doesn’t get a new baby to put their nurturing side into, so she makes do.
What’s interesting is some women have a baby and their vanity side blows up and they get into being sloth toward themselves while putting all their attention into their kids. What’s funny to me is some male species literally die for sex, which is referred to as suicidal reproduction (thank you Discovery Channel for teaching me that many years ago). This includes some marsupials, octopuses, certain spiders, and salmon. Meanwhile, the females in these categories typically die after giving birth. I guess humans aren’t that different.
At the same time, other women have a baby and their vanity side blows up and they get stuck trying to make their kids look as good as them. It’s like the kids are an extension of themselves and they need to reduce judgement on themselves for both their own appearance and their kid’s.
There’s also a third category where some women have a baby and nothing changes. They remain stuck on making themselves look as good as possible with less care about how their kids look. These are the women who care more about their own looks and/or career. It’s like the typical nurturing side most women experience after giving birth didn’t kick in. This, however, is no different than me not having a strong nurturing side to babies. Even if the mom doesn’t “feel” like being motherly, she needs to act that way. Feelings can be liars and we need to make sure ours doesn’t lead us astray and do foolish things that hurt others or ourselves.
If a non-natural nurturing mom follows their feelings instead of what’s right they do terrible things. For instance, when I worked landscape construction I was friends with a guy who told me that when he was 12 and his brother was 14, their mom left them with their dad in order to be with a guy she met online who lived in BC. He hadn’t talked to her since. That’s what broken looks like.
On the opposite extreme, I have heard how parents will call their kids while they’re in class and be upset with the teacher when the teacher won’t let their child talk to them. I’ve also heard how overnight camps that don’t have cell phone service will have moms call the front desk demanding to talk to their kids because they can’t go a day without talking to them. That’s also what broken looks like. What’s scary is this is becoming more of the norm – parents who are over parenting (i.e. over nurturing). This has actually been encouraged by daycares that send photos and videos of the kids in the day. My oldest daughter’s kindergarten teacher did that, but I assume it was her way of hiding the fact she wasn’t actually doing anything constructive in the class (we eventually found out she had a reputation with the older grade teachers). Meanwhile, my middle daughter had an older kindergarten teacher who never sent pictures. That daughter in one year is as far as my older daughter was in two – brilliant. Parents shouldn’t be sent pictures during the day because we need a break from their children. If they have withdrawal symptoms from not talking to their kids for a few hours to a day they need to work through it like any addict.
Over nurturing also includes parents who are constantly yelling from the sidelines at sporting events. Relax and let the couches do the directing. You’re not only annoying the other parents, you’re embarrassing your child. This is almost as bad as parents who have to sleep with their kids – gross. Another gross thing is a parent who brags that their child tells them everything. Kids are meant to have some secrets from their parents. Your kids are meant to have parents and friends. They’re better off with those being separate categories at until the child is grownup and living on their own. Ultimately, it can be hard saying goodbye to your kids, especially if they’re crying when you drop them off at camp, daycare, or school, but it’s necessary for them to learn how to go through life on their own.
Why should someone avoid over nurturing? The end result is going to be one of two main options: “I’m a leach on my parent(s),” or “I resent my parent(s). Over nurturing doesn’t make you a good parent. It doesn’t even make you a good person. Over nurturing is for the parent, not the child, which means it makes you selfish. Parents do it because it makes them feel better about themselves in some way when it should be a source of shame. In Al-Anon they teach: “Don’t do for others what they can do for themselves,” because that’s enabling. For a lot of over nurturers they end up focusing on their kids because that’s easier and feels better than working on themselves. The best parents are good role models; they’re not slaves. As Dr Amen said: “A lot of parents are stealing their self esteem from their children.” If you over nurture your children you handicap them. Kids need to self discover. They need to fall and get back up. We’re not meant to lift them up, but to help them learn how to lift up themselves. It’s like how we shouldn’t have to rely on others to compliment us; we should be able to do that for ourselves through self awareness.
God doesn’t protect us from all suffering. Maybe we should be more like Him and a little less human. After all kids are meant to be loved, not worshiped.
Tip: After kids are born most men feel somewhat forgotten by their wives. This is either because the woman’s focus is now 99% on the baby and only crumbs are left for him or, in comparison, it feels like he’s getting a lot less than he used to receive. This is part of the reason why the first year the first born comes around a lot of marriages go through their biggest struggles – when the nurturing dynamic is rearranged couples have to rediscover themselves just like when the kids grow up and the nurturing side rearranges again.
This week may you consider what healthy nurturing looks like in a marriage with and without kids.
Rev Chad David, Chaddavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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