Something for the Moms Who Don’t Feel Appreciated

I was recently talking to a mom who said she didn’t feel appreciated – what? How shocking is that? On a scale of shocking, I’d give it a 1 out of 10.  Maybe that’s my own experience, but a mom feeling like she’s being taken advantage of is pretty normal.  In this lesson we’re going to look at a couple things including a new exercise I thought of to help moms, but before we get to that, I want to point out something potentially very helpful: There’s a difference between thinking and feeling.  For instance, when I’ve asked young people: “On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the highest, how much do you think your parent loves you?” and then “On the same scale, how much does it feel like your parents love you?” I receive two very different numbers with thinking always being higher.  Sometimes this difference is because the child knows the parent loves them, but the parent needs to do something different to help the child feel the love they know is there.  Other times… well, it’s because the kid sucks and has impossible expectations like the parent should never say no to them or discipline them even though that’s part of a parent’s role.  Similarly, a great question for moms to ask themselves is “How much do I think my family appreciates me and how much does it feel?” Again, there’s potentially two very different numbers.  To take this to the next level, moms should also be asking, “What would help me feel appreciated?” When I’ve asked this question to clients, they never have a good answer.  The most common is they’d like the other person(s) to do something in return, but that’s not appreciation; that’s more a wanting fairness or the person is passive aggressive with this “You owe me because I…” mentality which is unhealthy.  Another problem for people not feeling appreciated is the same issue for compliments – any appreciation we do receive we brush it off or simply don’t let sink in and stick with us.  Unfortunately we’re more likely to be rubber than glue when it comes to compliments and appreciation while with anything negative we’re the stickiest glue possible sometimes even twisting something that isn’t negative into an attack.  That being noted, if there is something specific that will help with feeling appreciated, make a simple request: “Can I make a request? To help me feel appreciated can you do (thing)?” Although sometimes the only way for someone to realize they should be more appreciative like with an attitude-y teenager is to stop doing something for them and make them do it for themselves for a set period of time.  When I was a kid this was most evident on the rare occasion when my mom was really sick and we had to cover for her – that was the worst! But it was easy to appreciate all she did after.  

Another option is to use a simple tool I’ve recommended to couples before in my lessons.  In this situation, however, it can be done as a family: once (or more) a week say what you’re specifically thankful the other person did that week.  Taking a moment at a set time like at dinner Sunday nights to specifically acknowledge people can make a big difference for encouraging more of what you liked while helping the other person feel noticed and appreciated.  This kind of exercise can be particularly helpful for kids to start seeing what others are doing and to see that what they do makes a difference.

Before we get into the main exercise I want to teach in this lesson there is one important side note I want to make.  As a husband with a wife who is overly nice to the kids and the world as a whole (to her own expense and often to mine as well) there are many times I don’t appreciate what she’s doing because I don’t want her to doing it.  I don’t want her stressing out over little things like a fancy banner for a kids’ birthday or stressing out about making sure the house is extra spotless (e.g. the mirrors are cleaned) when company comes over when generally clean (e.g. vacuum and dust) is good enough when we have three small kids.  In fact, I’d go far as to say it’s inappropriate for the wife to expect the husband to appreciate her doing something he’s told her not to do.  If my wife wants to go overboard, that’s her choice.  She can be happy with her accomplishment because she’s achieved her goal, but that’s as far as it’s going.  My responsibility is to not be angry at her for ignoring my wishes and give her the space to do what she wants and to stop her if she looks like she’s going too far.  For instance, last weekend she was panicking because she didn’t buy potato salad for company coming over when we already had plenty of food and they told her they’d bring a salad – that’s fun.  There’s a reason why men are told to be the head of the house: It’s our responsibility to help our wives feel supported while also not letting their nurturing side get too carried away.    

That being noted, as a whole I’d say that men are bad for taking their partners for granted.  This is often because we’re just trying to keep up with their requests and we don’t think to thank them for what they do.  The underlying feeling for most husbands is the woman is in charge and people in general don’t often think to thank people in authority positions because we’re more worried about winning their approval.  For instance, when’s the last time you thanked your boss or your boss’s boss at work for what they do? Another reason we might not be appreciative is because we’re in survival mode.  It’s hard to care what others are doing when you’re drowning.  Regardless, as a whole, pretty much everyone needs to work at being more thankful for what others do. 

I’m a big advocate of families having family meetings that are maybe 5-15 minutes where the parents go over how things are looking like you’d do in a business.  Families should be treated like a healthy business and not like a lazy team who is destined to lose.  When I was growing up our daily family dinners were a time to check in on everyone and how things were going.  It was never a formal meeting, but we always knew what was going on in the household and whether something needed to change. Considering I came from a family of passive people who avoided conflict, my parents still managed to foster very healthy communication for what was going on at home.  One of the most important things my parents did in their communication was make sure we knew our roles in the family.  It’s easy to take someone for granted when we don’t realize all that they do.  This leads to my new exercise: Define your roles in the family.  If I was to do this as a kid, this is what my family role breakdown would look like:

Mom

1. In charge of making sure the house is clean; delegating as needed
2. In charge of making sure we have clothes that fit and that they’re clean
3. In charge of food being in the house (i.e. grocery shopping)
4. In charge of making bagged lunches
5. In charge of making sure dinners are made and on time; delegating as needed
6. In charge of childcare before the kids were old enough to be on their own
7. In charge of buying gifts for the family and outside events
8. In charge of taking care of her gardens (something that developed after her kids were more grownup and independent)
9. Shared responsibility with my dad for budgeting and making sure things are paid on time
10. Shared responsibility with my dad for making sure the kids are raised with church and opportunities to connect with God
11. Shared responsibility with my dad for disciplining the kids and making sure they’re on the right path for becoming contributing members of society
12. Shared responsibility with my dad for making sure kids are signed up for activities (e.g. hockey) and getting there on time
13. Shared responsibility with my dad for making sure schoolwork is being done

Dad

1. In charge of making sure there is money to pay the bills and the family is financially healthy
2. In charge of making sure things in the house are working, especially the pool and sump
3. In charge of all general repairs (e.g. waterproofing the house) and making sure things are up to my mom’s wishes
4. In charge of making sure my mom’s ideas are being encouraged and worked on where possible (e.g. redecorating)
5. In charge of lawn care and general outdoor needs
6. Responsible for proofreading essays and help with schoolwork when needed
7. Responsible for being the “bad cop” when needed

All Three Children

1. Responsible for obeying parents and never second guessing their decisions
2. Responsible for offering input only when asked
3. Responsible for entertaining themselves and never claiming to be bored
4. Responsible for being a good student and to work hard at any sports or hobbies we did
5. Responsible for being as clean as possible, which included putting dishes in the sink or dishwasher as required
6. Responsible for doing specified chores (e.g. dusting, dishes, etc.) and then to help with bigger things as they come up (e.g. waterproofing the house)
7. To be responsible with money (i.e. save where you can) and to find ways to make money to buy things (e.g. garage sales) because my parents didn’t believe in giving an allowance (a great rule)
8. To do things to make parents proud

Main Goal: To help make life easier for the parents by being good and respectful

By doing this list, how can you not be more appreciative of your mom? Sure my dad carried the main weight of the financial burden (something I definitely understand as a dad), but moms tend to do so much more as clearly evidenced in this list.  It’s normal for teenagers (and hurting adults) to only see what they do, but when the list is clear, it’s hard not to acknowledge what others are doing.  It also helps point out how the power dynamic is supposed to work in the house.  For instance, how many houses have the one responsibility I had growing up, “Responsible for offering input only when asked”? The bonus is this list helps children see what they’re responsible for and that being at home isn’t just a free ride.  The best way to limit household fights and kids from complaining of having to do menial tasks is to have very clear responsibilities laid out for everyone in the family.  When everyone knows what they’re responsible for we can better appreciate what we have and what others do.

This week may you consider how you can help others in your family be more appreciative while working on it for yourself as well.

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)