One of the nicest things we can do for our partner is also one of the nicest things we can do for ourselves – it’s one of those rare two for one gifts. What’s crazy is this very nice thing is also something that will offend certain people (that’s fun). What is this nice yet offensive thing? Recognizing that men and women are different: (very misguided person): “Genders are a cultural construct… despite what history, science, and logic say.” Not recognizing that we are different is one of the biggest mistakes we can make in relationships because it can lead to very unfair expectations from each other and to ourselves. For instance, I will never be the cackling joy bringer my wife’s friends are for her. I shouldn’t be jealous or criticized for this because I get to do something they can’t… hehn, hehn… annoy her more than anyone else. Sometimes my wife needs to have girl time to be girly and sometimes I need to be with my guy friends to make fun of people who are girly. This is why female commentators in sports drive me nuts. They might be very good at their job, but when I’m watching hockey, I’m looking for a break from women. It’s not rude; it’s just men and women connect differently. Guys are typically quicker to the point while women… can talk the way I write – rambly. Of course, sometimes those in relationships can switch the stereotypical roles like in my marriage I’m the organizer for family events, which means for planning events I’m typically talking to the wives to set things up. Generally speaking, however, husbands and wives follow a lot of patterns, which makes behavior easier to guess. Stereotypes aren’t meant to be insulting; they give us social understanding and help us know how to interact with others better like I’m not going to talk to a three year old the same as an 80 year old.
To take this idea that men and women are different a step further, there is one basic point that explains a lot of why we’re different. To explain this, I need to define two of the Seven Deadly Sins (this will eventually make sense). You might even be able to figure out where I’m going with this once I define them.
Vanity/Pride: Vanity and pride makes everything about the person. It’s about looking right and impressing others whether to gain approval, earn love, or prove they’re better than someone (s). It’s ultimately about a “feeling”. It can lead to being critical while being terrible at receiving any form of criticism in return. It tends to be best friends with perfectionism.
Sloth: Sloth is typically equated to laziness. Why? Because it’s pretty accurate. Sloth is not doing what we should be doing to better ourselves and our community through helping others. Where the other six sins are about doing something bad, this is more about not doing what we should. It’s associated to apathy, tardiness, negligence, and indifference to responsibility. It’s about avoidance and burying our head, which can get us in a lot of trouble because when you bury your head, you get kicked in the butt.
Let’s consider these two sins on a scale:
Sloth (-10)———Healthy Middle (0)———Vanity (+10)
Which gender do you see more on the left and right? I’m a workaholic, yet for my marriage I’d put myself on the left. Do we really need to move furniture in order to vacuum under it? Do you really need to steam the floors tonight even though it’s past your bedtime? Do I really need to wear pants when company comes over? I might be a workaholic, but I worry about bigger picture stuff… like being too busy to deal with stuff I’m trying to avoid, which is sloth. I don’t get lost in the details because… who cares? Oh, right; women. As a guy, I have fast food quality expectations. I don’t care if the napkins match the occasion; I’m happy with a napkin (or my sleeve). There’s a reason we have terms like “Dad bod” and “Mom shaming”. Those are two very different claims. One’s from laziness and the other comes out of pride. For Father’s Day my wife gave me an anti-aging cream for my face, and she was so excited about it. She had done a lot of research and the sweet almond oil was supposed to be the best thing you can use and it’s considerably cheap compared to the fancy creams. And what was my response? “You gave me homework?” I should point out I’ve never complained about my face or the wrinkles starting. This was all her. And I know why she gave it. She thinks I’m… the right guinea pig to see if it helps. I also figure she knows I’m not going to actually use it, so she’ll end up with it soon – smart move. What’s funny to think about is if I got this for my wife without her mentioning she wanted it: (wife) “What are you trying to say?” (guy) “Um… I thought you’d like it because I know you hate when my shirt has wrinkles and needs ironing, and with your face… you can’t iron that, so maybe this will help.”
What I should point out is I find men to be externally motivated while women are internally motivated. It’s the opposite of processing; men are internal and women are external processors, which explains the big difference in how much we talk. Men being externally motivated means left to our own devices… we’re not using the devices unless they’re fun (i.e. sloth). We need a challenge we can brag about conquering to impress our friends or a woman. The other motivation is fear: “What will cause the least amount of conflict? Conflict is too much work.” Women are better at doing things because it’s good for them. Not guys, yet we get in trouble for not doing it for ourselves. First off, doing something for myself sounds selfish. Doing something because it’s the right thing to do is much better: (woman) “You should want to change for you.” (guy) “But I’m content with the way I am. I don’t have to look at me.” There’s a reason why in the movie The Incredibles the wife was worried her husband was cheating on her because he was suddenly getting into better shape – normal married men are too lazy. We don’t want to be disgusting, but we’re also okay not being perfect. Guys typically peak when they get into a long term relationship. After that we get lazy. When we’re single our hormones (or the desire to use our hormones) push us to improve ourselves in order to win the girl over. When we achieve that goal, we’re good; it’s time for waffles. I’ve talked to a number of guys in long term relationships who were still in their late teens and early 20s who didn’t have any motivation. When they asked me how to change that my response was “Try being single.” They’re never thrilled with that option, but how do you motivate a guy outside of getting a girl? Um… maybe status, money, or fear? Ideally, it’s because it’s the right thing to do, which is what they’ve been taught/trained to do when they were younger. Most guys are happy aiming for good enough (which is hopefully a fair standard). The hope for the guy is that good enough will keep them out of trouble at home. The challenge is a guy’s sloth side and/or a woman’s vanity can make the two sides have very different standards.
For a normal married guy fashion is more function than fancy or flashy (i.e. lazy not vane). We’d rather blend in than stand out like a princess. For a lot of guys, their toughest question is “How long can I go without shaving?” or it’s “How long can I go without trimming my beard?” (if they’re a beard-o). On the plus side, this attitude means we are easier to please and slower to complain. We just deal with what we’re given. As long as we’re not getting attacked, a normal guy is good. Women, on the other hand, can struggle with questions like “How can I feel bad about this?” or “How can they not feel bad about this?” Where guys tend to be quicker to laugh things off, women tend to be better at making sure things change and improve. Both have their benefits and drawbacks.
I will point out, I’ve met some guys who are more on the vanity side, but why is that? The one option is his mom trained him to be that way. Another is he’s an ego-maniac – not fun. The other option is their wife is a slob. If the woman is the one with higher standards for things like cleanliness and organization, the guy can relax. We step up when the woman is weak… at least good guys will. Some guys will join in the slobbery, but they’re just as broken as their partner – messy exteriors represent messy interiors. People are meant to have some standards, which is why the scale shows the Healthy Middle at 0. This also means, guys might be drawn to laziness, but that’s never an excuse to be lazy and not aiming for the healthy middle while women may want perfection, but they need to keep it from getting carried away. Whether we’re drawn to laziness or pride, we need to be fighting our natural urges and aim for the healthy middle because that’s where life will be at its best for us and our partners.
This week may you consider what the healthy middle looks like.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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