As we looked at in the last lesson, we want to work at being at our best in order to be at our best for others, and the most important thing we can do to be at our best is learn how to forgive. When people hurt us it’s like being physically cut. Some cuts are bigger than others, but, regardless, we need to help it heal. The deeper the cut, the longer it will take to heal, and sometimes you need a little help with stitches, but our bodies are designed to want to heal. The same happens with our emotions. Our heart wants to heal and if we don’t it will lead to depression and anxiety issues and/or physical problems like canker sores as a way to make us pay attention to the hurt. If we don’t forgive people we end up collecting all of these “cuts”, which becomes like a death by a 1000 cuts type of situation. On its own a small cut is fine, but when there are a 1000, we’re in trouble.
How well we forgive will be affected by what anger style (aka communication style) we are:
- Aggressive: Aggressive people tend to be better at healing because they face things head on, which helps them move forward. They also tend to take things less personally and be more understanding of other people’s mistakes because they make their fair share being so reactive. That being noted, the downside of being caught up in the moment is it can lead to something getting accidentally buried before it is addressed or issues are ignored as the aggressive person pursues something distracting. Like all things, being easily distracted can be both a blessing and a curse.
- Passive Aggressive: Here’s my question: Is being passive aggressive worse for the passive aggressive person or the people around them? Passive aggressive people are wolves in sheep’s clothing, so they can cause a lot of hurt. Initially they can be very nice, but if you get too close or if you’re around them long enough you’re going to get burned. These are the type of people who will punish you for anything you do wrong while never apologizing for any mistakes they do because they can justify it whether it’s because they work so hard or because they see themselves as better than others. Think mean girls and wives full of resentment toward their husband who regularly receives jab comments and eye rolls for not being up to her standards. On the rare occasion a husband is passive aggressive, they become a bully: “See what you made me do? I had to yell at you. This is your fault because you did (10 things) wrong!”
Receiving passive aggressive behavior slowly erodes your soul and typically causes you to shut down or disappear because you don’t know what else to do. Meanwhile being passive aggressive is incredibly hard on the passive aggressive person because as mean as they are to others they can be equally mean to themselves and/or they’ll find a way to feel sorry for themselves. These people never let anything go; they’re all about the control and power, which means they’ll punish you at the chance you’ve done something against them. They’re the type of people who cut others out of their life without accepting any responsibility. They only care about their own hurt and they can spin the story to be a lot worse than it needs to be because they want to look like the innocent victim. This is why daughters-in-law have a history of dividing a family because it can become a power battle between her and the mother-in-law. This division usually only happens if the daughter-in-law is passive aggressive regardless of what style the mother is. Meanwhile, when the daughter-in-law is not passive aggressive, the family will typically stay intact because it just follows a more matriarch family dynamic. Because the older woman in the family having power is more acceptable, her being passive aggressive doesn’t create the same type of division – just a lot of hurt.
Men are less likely to be passive aggressive because it takes too much work – we’re lazy. That being noted, teenage boys often end up in this category as they realize fists and yelling get them in trouble and they’re trying to figure out what to do because they haven’t given up on having an opinion like most married men. If a man actually ends up passive aggressive (usually following a passive aggressive mother’s example) they’re incredibly damaging, especially since they usually end up with a passive woman who just takes it. Regardless of gender, passive aggressive people never really forgive. Instead, they will hold onto their hurt like a badge of honor because they’re drawn to drama and claiming to be a victim.
The only benefit of dealing with a passive aggressive person is knowing that no matter what happens they will hate life more than you because if someone can’t forgive they end up dying by a 1000 emotional cuts.
- Passive: Passive people are drawn to the path of least conflict, which often means taking the hit. In conflict, passive people tend to be the actual victim, but then don’t say anything. They are the pushovers who can end up the emotional punching bag for others. Passive people blame themselves when things go wrong and as nice as they can be to others they can be equally mean to themselves. This means forgiving is a struggle for them, especially since they’ll likely find a way to blame themselves, which they’ll use to beat themselves up. It’s not a question of will they beat themselves up; it’s for how long? Either way, they believe it’s easier to take the hit and bury the hurt rather than face it. This is particularly dangerous when big hurts happen like when a passive person gets cheated on. In these situations they often choose to stuff their hurt down and claim it’s fine rather than actually work at the forgiving process. Unfortunately, this level of hurt always comes out even if it’s ten or twenty years later. This is sometimes seen by them having their own affair whether to cope with the buried pain or as a reason to leave the relationship that hasn’t been the same since they were cheated on.
- Assertive: No one is always assertive, but we can have assertive moments. For instance, I’m naturally passive, which means I have to push myself to face conflict in order to have an assertive moment – it sometimes happens. Most people who think they’re assertive are aggressive (i.e. they don’t realize that they can be too direct) or they’re passive aggressive (i.e. they always think they’re the good category). Meanwhile, passive people are too mean to see themselves in this category. What’s important to recognize, however, is being able to properly forgive is an assertive moment.
So what does it mean to forgive? If you’ve actually forgiven someone you can see the good in the experience otherwise you’ve just stuffed it down or numbed the pain. Seeing the good doesn’t mean it was a “good” experience. It’s seeing the good that came out of it. A popular Bible verse Christians quote is: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28) This is the kind of verse that makes the other person want to punch you in the face if you say it at the wrong time. There’s truth to it, but it comes across as cold when used at the wrong time. Fortunately, knowing this verse can give us hope that our bad situation will have good come out of it, which can be helpful for starting the healing process.
Seeing the good is typically easier in retrospect because life has moved on and you’ve had a chance to recover. It’s like a child breaking their arm. You can’t tell them it’s fine until the arm has had time to heal and the cast can come off. Sometimes when we see the good in a bad experience, we wouldn’t erase it even if we were given the option. This is why when people share a challenge they’ve faced they can say, “It was tough, but I wouldn’t trade it in because it brought me to this spot.” Sometimes the only good that can be found is seeing the strength we had to get through it or that we now have a story we can share to build connection with others. Overall, every experience can bring us wisdom, but that’s only if we’re willing to let go of the hurt and any potential resentment.
I once went to a seminar on Narrative Therapy. In this modality you have the client share their life journey noting the significant moments of hurt. During the question period at the end I asked: “So when do you look at the good that those experiences brought?” and the speaker was shocked with a hint of disgust that I would ask such a thing. Apparently, this person thought by acknowledging the hurt with the therapist, the sharer will find healing… but that is a great demonstration of why a lot of people in the mental health world are foolish. Bringing up all of this pain just leaves you sitting in a pool of hurt. I learned this lesson the hard way. There was a new life couch hired at my office who was supposed to be good with social media, something I sucked at (and still do). I asked if she could help me get better. This turned into a life coaching session and after 50 minutes I not only didn’t learn about social media, I found myself paying her $120 for a session I didn’t know I was doing. Paying when you weren’t expecting it – can you say passive? I will say the session was incredible… for teaching me how dangerous bringing up your past can be. In the session I didn’t know I was in, she had me list all the major hurts I’ve had. I told her I didn’t want to because I had forgiven this stuff, but she insisted I do what she asked. Guess what this passive person did? I wrote the list. If this was my session, shouldn’t I have a say in what I do in it? Not when you’re passive. Even though they were all things I had forgiven, seeing them in a list made me sink into this hole of “Oh man, my life has been rough.” After making this list of all the major negatives in my life I didn’t want to do, we were out of time – how mean is that? She was clearly trying to hook me in for future sessions, so she could “help” me – that’s a swindler. After the session I added that session to my list of terrible experiences and then I put it in a shredder. I later got to know her better and she was an incredibly damaged woman who worked out her body as a way to ignore dealing with the pain in her heart. If you’re going to actually hire a life coach, find one who doesn’t need one themselves.
The best thing about that traumatic experience is it taught me the dangers of trying to stir up emotions. She was trying to make me emotional – that’s mean. She also didn’t give me anything to work through it – that’s meaner. Fortunately, I had already learned what forgiveness looks like, so I was fine. When it comes to forgiveness, we want to focus on one issue at a time because it’s easy to get overwhelmed when you’re dealing with sensitive moments.
What’s funny, is you might now be thinking, so Chad how do we forgive? That’s a great question… and I will answer that in the next lesson. Looks like I should’ve been a life coach with that hook to get you to read the next lesson… or I’ve run out of space because my real issue is being long winded.
This week may you consider what anger style you’re in and how that’s affecting you.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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