Please Note: My next blog will be in two weeks (i.e. early September) because I’m taking a holiday. The following is an excerpt from the introduction I’ve written for a future book based on the theme I’ve been writing about this past year – being nice in a healthy way.
Who is the best example of nice that you can think of? Are they so nice they get taken for granted or are they really friendly, but then able to stand up for themselves in a healthy way (i.e. doesn’t hurt others)? The person I’m thinking of was from a long time ago. He’s very famous and had a beard. He died… but He’s alive… according to many: (Homer Simpson) “Oh, this isn’t going to be about Jesus is it?” I wouldn’t call myself a “Christian” writer, but my faith has a strong influence on my thinking, so let’s consider Jesus as a starting point because many people see Him as the “nice” guy. The problem is we often define nice wrong today just like we see Jesus in the wrong way. For instance, I don’t ever want to be described as the “nicest guy” because that would mean I was a giant pushover, and that’s often how people see Jesus – limp and dead on a cross (at least if you’re Catholic and you enjoy the guilt trip). Sure, Jesus is the one who gave the Golden Rule, “Do to others as you would like them to do to you,” (Luke 6:31) but that’s a brilliant lesson because it’s so simple. He doesn’t tell people to WWJD (i.e. what would Jesus do?). He teaches us to be role models of how we want to be treated as the starting point for knowing how to treat others. After all, we should be willing to say no just like we want people to say no to us if we ask them to do something they really don’t want to do because we don’t want them to end up resenting us. Knowing someone can say no builds trust.
Tip: I often find overly nice people need to flip the Golden Rule to “Treat yourself the way you treat others,” because the reverse would be scary: (stranger) “Why are you being so mean to me?” (person) “I’m treating you the way I treat myself… it’s terrible isn’t it?”
Jesus also said, “But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!” (Mat 5:44) but He doesn’t say, “Get taken for granted by your enemies,” or “Be giant pushovers.” By praying for your enemies it does three things. First – and very importantly – it means we should get away from them as best we can. Don’t just take the hits if there’s a way to prevent them. Love people enough to prevent them from hurting you. Second, praying for your enemies is a way to self reflect and consider ways to best resolve the situation to protect yourself. Third, it means we’re venting out our hurt and frustrations because praying for your enemies is ultimately about finding healing in your heart, so you don’t end up carrying any negative baggage from that person or the situation. Praying for others is ultimately a gift we gift ourselves. People might be able to hurt us for whatever reason, but we have the power to keep to that just a moment of hurt and not let it affect us for the rest of our lives. (There are several lessons later specifically on forgiveness in this book because it’s so valuable.)
It’s important to note that Jesus wasn’t a wuss. When he told listeners to turn the other cheek (Matt 5:39 & Luke 6:29) it wasn’t about weakness. He doesn’t say walk away or to fall into the fetal position as you take the hit. It’s about staring your attacker in the eyes and proclaiming, “I’m not afraid of you!” It’s saying, “Is that all you got?” which is a terrifying response to receive when you hit someone (person just told this): “Oh, shoot… I’m in trouble.”
How do I know Jesus wasn’t someone who just took the hit? When some bad people were breaking rules in the temple, Jesus is recorded as making a whip and throwing over tables (Matthew 21:12-13 and John 2:13-17). What’s interesting is I was told the two stories in the Bible presented in Matthew and John might be two separate occasions – He was consistent. I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t even politely ask the people desecrating the temple to leave. It was a throw down to make a clear example of how angry it made God to see people essentially stealing from others in a place meant to be holy. Jesus protected His Father’s house, which is how the Bible describes the way husbands are supposed to protect their wives. Although nowadays we’re better offer starting off politely with someone who appears rude to our partner and not just throw down: (husband) “Jesus power!” What’s crazy to think about is if Jesus did that now, He’d be arrested (a big reason we should start off polite with others who appear rude). That’s why I want to make it clear I’m not suggesting you start being violent and screaming, “I’m WWJD-ing!” That’s going to leave the police questioning whether they send you to jail or the psych ward. We need to be careful, however, of what we define as “nice” because sometimes it may not look “nice” on the surface, especially if we’re used to seeing the actions of pushovers.
Fun Aside: Guess how many times Jesus insulted people in the four Gospel accounts recorded in the Bible. Zero times? Seven times? 33 time? Nope. 78 times, and pretty much every insult He used was based on people being hypocrites or faithless. He hated arrogance and calloused hearts, and He made that clear. Jesus wasn’t the weak person He’s often portrayed. After all, you don’t end up with large groups of people wanting to kill you for being a pushover.
This week may you consider what being nice to a point looks like.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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