What Discourages You? (Discouragement Pt 6)  

There are three main reasons why things go wrong:

1. Bad Luck (e.g. we don’t get to pick our genetics or family)
2. Bad Choices by Me
3. Bad Choices by Others (this includes both direct and indirect damage from other’s choices)

You could argue that sometimes a good choice can lead to bad things, but there’s only a bad result because others make a bad choice(s).  You could also argue that all bad things are ultimately caused or at least inspired by the devil with his giftedness in lying and deception, but they will still land in on of these three categories.

What’s interesting is I don’t find the results of all three of these categories discouraging.  For instance, I don’t find Bad Choices by Me discouraging because I had control in the situation – control is empowering.  This also means I have control for how I will handle it moving forward – more empowerment.  The problem is when I don’t have control (yes, I have control problems).  I could make all the best decisions in the world, but when Bad Luck or Bad Choices by Others happen, the helplessness leaves me feeling discouraged.  There’s nothing I could’ve done differently.  The situation just sucked.  Of course, the line between Bad Luck and Bad Choices by Others is sometimes hard to define.  For instance, is getting cancer more Bad Luck or the result of Bad Choices? I live in Hamilton, which means statistically I have a higher risk.  That’s on me.  As a world, we create and use products that cause cancer.  Does that mean cancer is Bad Luck or the fault of humanity? Personally, I don’t know why we spend so much money looking for cures, when we should be looking for ways to reduce the risk of people getting it.  Unfortunately, there’s more money to be made pursuing a cure.  This means the main reason for most cancers we face land in bad choices by both others and me.

Sometimes Bad Choices by Others is simply not knowing something like when people didn’t know that smoking was bad for you.  I don’t find that discouraging as much as a learning tool.  Other times, Bad Choices by Others is discouraging like when ignorant people share faulty beliefs that reinforce what other ignorant people want to believe.  For instance, I recently looked up the Shroud of Turin on YouTube.  There were all these videos with people like Dr. Jeremy Johnson teaching about how there is almost 100% certainty that this is the actual burial cloth of Jesus.  In the middle of this list of professionals, however, a teenager had a video claiming it was fake.  Um… you’re a kid who’s claiming these super educated people are wrong? Yeah, that’s not looking good for your claims… unless you’re ignorant and desperate to find someone else to confirm what you want to believe.  The sad truth is People believe what we want to believe, and we’re drawn to any hint of evidence we can find to support our desired beliefs rather than be open to truth.  For instance, no matter what evidence I present, someone who doesn’t want to believe in Jesus as the Son of God isn’t going to change their mind – they will believe what they want to believe.    

Tip:  The Shroud of Turin is the most exciting thing I’ve ever learned about.  You should check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKMQY49py4w&t=239s

One of the most discouraging experiences is someone we respect falling into the category of Bad Choices by Others. I used to really respect the first pastor I worked for, and I had reason to since there were other people I respected who also respected him.  Unfortunately, the wiser I’ve become, the more I realize he was incredibly foolish.  For instance, he started that church by tearing apart another one.  That’s disgusting.  He also managed to dissolve his own church that, at one point, had 350 attendees.  When I was hired, they were down to 150.  Four years later, they were down to 70 attendees and I was let go for financial reasons.  The year before I was let go, I was on a team to help find our church a building, so we didn’t have to rent a school gym because the leadership believed that was the answer to stopping the shrinkage.  Considering the current church I attend does very well despite renting a gym, I would argue my old church was dying for other reasons (e.g. bad leadership).  That being noted, back then I was super excited because I found the owner of a privately owned movie theater who was open to doing anything to get us to partner with him.  A partnership with us meant he could receive a bank loan and expand his one theater building to a three-theater one, which he had learned was necessary for having a sustainable facility.  Without us, he would have to sell since he was on the verge of bankruptcy.  After some really good discussions and the owner being very generous in the deal, the pastor suddenly dropped it.  He didn’t discuss it with the search committee; he just decided it on his own.  He didn’t even talk to me about it even though he knew how excited I was and how connected I had become with the owner.  He didn’t even offer an explanation to the devastated owner.  It was cruel.  This man was desperate and the pastor ended up dismissing him like he was nothing.  Guess who never visited our church after that.  The whole situation reminded me of the Old Testament story where 10 of the 12 Israelite spies came back from the Promised Land investigation saying they had no chance against the people living there.  This angered God so much He punished the Israelites with roaming the desert for 40 years while everyone except the two spies who trusted God died.  Similarly, God handed my old church this amazing and unique opportunity, and it was thrown away leaving the church to continue dying because the pastor made some terrible choices. 

One of the worst things this pastor did was cancel the thriving youth program I ran that could have 35 attendees (that’s right; it was half the size of a Sunday morning service crowd).  Like the church decision, this was without any warning.  One Friday night he came out and the youth group were all just told, “It’s done.”  Two days later, the pastor announced the decision to the church.  The best part is one of my youth group members came out that Sunday and when this was announced, he yelled, “This is Bull Sh**!”  That might have been the funniest, most validating swear-word moment I’ve ever witnessed.  In my friend’s defence, his statement wasn’t wrong… well, it was wrong to swear in church, but he wasn’t wrong claiming their decision was bull stuff.  The pastor should’ve at least given some warning to the congregation that if things didn’t change our group would come to an end.  He also should’ve offered some type of severance package to the group like: “We can’t afford to pay Chad to run this anymore, but we can offer you our insurance coverage to continue meeting as a group.”  Considering I continued voluntarily running the group after, this is the least they could’ve done.  What was baffling was suddenly cutting the youth program wasn’t just the pastor’s decision.  It was ultimately agreed upon by the board of elders.  What was particularly shocking was not a single one of the eight members ever contacted me after to apologize for the way things ended and/or to see how I was doing – they threw me to the curb and didn’t care.  That’s a list of people who made a list of bad decisions, and it was all very discouraging – how can you be so dumb?

The reason I bring up this pastor is one of the hardest things I’ve experienced came out of this.  What’s interesting is I found it very painful, but others might think it was commendable on the pastor’s part.  The week after being let go, the pastor had me meet him at Tim Hortons (big spender).  He then told me to share anything that he did to hurt me, so he could apologize.  I’ve heard of parents doing something similar with their kids when they’ve grown up, but for me this was a really terrible experience.  Not only was I in a heavy grief mode having just lost my job and unemployed, I felt completely betrayed by this church I had heavily invested in for four years often doing 50 hour weeks when I was paid for 15.  Considering the pastor saw himself as a counselor, he should’ve known how broken and hurt I was, which meant I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to think.  I’m also more passive in nature, which means I was more scared of the future and broken rather than angry at anyone.  If anything, being told to do this was traumatizing because now I felt all of this pressure to answer this massive request in a split second.  He could’ve at least given me a heads up.

What’s sad to an older and wiser version of me is that the pastor chose to meet at Tim Hortons.  I had worked with him for four years without any real problems (at least nothing was brought to my attention).  Did I mean nothing to him? Why not a nice meal? On top of his salary, his wife owned two pharmacies.  If the church couldn’t afford to pay for him to take me somewhere nicer, he could’ve easily afforded it as a kind gesture.  Instead, he took me to where you meet people with whom you don’t want to be left alone.  He was basically saying, “I don’t feel safe being alone with you.  I need witnesses because I think you’re a crazy person who has no self control.”  Four years later, the pastor couple I ended up working for after this church took my wife and I to a nice restaurant for a final meal together.  They might have never contacted me again to ask how I was doing like a good person would or responded to my couple messages like a normal person, but at least it was a better conclusion to that relationship.

Fun Fact: The second church also let me go after four years without warning.  They also didn’t double check with the congregation to see if there were any other options including me going part time.  They just canceled the program that peaked at 65 members.  It’s amazing how bad pastors can be at handling these types of situations, especially when most people want to see them as role models of Christianity.

A Second Fun Fact: I wasn’t as hurt by the pastors at the second church because I had learned not to trust pastors… does that sound wrong?   

I will admit, someone in authority asking what they can apologize for can be a very healthy thing if the timing is better.  I typically don’t recommend this, however, because people are often hurt for things that we don’t agree with, which makes apologizing almost impossible: “That’s what you’re angry about? That doesn’t even make sense.  Are you dumb or delusional?” Most people won’t say this (hopefully), but that’s often the impression the share-r gets from the person to whom they tell their hurt.  If this pastor was as wise as he wanted to think he was, he would’ve gone straight to a good one sentence apology to define what he did wrong: “I’m sorry for blindsiding you with a life altering decision that would feel like a serious betrayal and leaving you questioning how much we valued you and what you did at our church for four years.”  A good apology should also include what they’ll do differently, but this would mean he would have to be open to learning, but he wasn’t – he was pastor.  The way he told me to tell him what to apologize for was ultimately all about the show: “Look how good I am to do this.”   

The biggest struggle I had with all three pastors was it left me feeling let down by God.  If God cared, couldn’t He have done something to change the situation? Yes and no.  On one hand, God could’ve done something more in the miraculous category, but God doesn’t typically work like that.  Miracles are miracles because they’re rare (I learned that from C. S. Lewis).  Most times, God just gets angry at us like He got angry at the Israel spies I mentioned earlier.  I don’t think God directly punishes us like He did with them since they had a different relationship dynamic.  God just lets the natural repercussions take place like He did with my first church when the pastor turned down the theatre option, which had incredible potential.  Where did that church end up? Dead. 

In both my church situations, I eventually realized God allowed me to be let go from my two positions because He wanted more for me.  In both cases, I was ready to move on, but I couldn’t afford to leave.  It’s like some breakups.  You want out, but you don’t feel right ending it, but then the other person does the dirty work for you.  Had the first church not let me go and given me two months separation, how could I have moved to the other church where I was going from $15/hr for 15 hours a week to $16/hr for 35 hours a week plus benefits, pension and a facility with a gym? If the second church didn’t let me go, I would’ve struggled to know how to end my time there in order to focus on developing my practice.  This connects to the previous lessons on discouragement: We find healing when we can see the good that comes out of the situation, and by focusing on the idea that good can come out of all things, we can decrease how discouraged we become before that happens.

This week may you consider what discourages you: Bad Luck, Bad Choices by Me, Bad Choices by Others.

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)