Last week I went with my family to my wife’s family cottage for three days. As we were leaving, I thought since we’re not going to be home and I don’t want to waste energy, I should turn down the air conditioner. To turn it down, I moved the thermostat down from the current 76 to 75. If you know anything about thermometers you’re thinking: “That doesn’t seem right,” because it’s not. Don’t worry. It gets dumber. Three days later, as planned, I came home by myself. Yes, I came home to work while my wife and kids were at the cottage, which means between my wife and I, even though I was “working”, I was the one getting a vacation – no kids! Cottages are great for relaxing… unless you have three under 10. I’ve been waaaayyyyy more relaxed than she has been.
When I entered my house, it felt colder than usual. It had been extra hot out, so my brain assumed it felt colder because the transition from the outside heat to the house’s cooler air must be that drastic. It couldn’t have been the temperature of the house because I had turned it down. The next morning, I was still feeling cold, so I turned down the air conditioner again; this time from 75 to 74. By lunch, I had to put on a long sleeve shirt because I was so cold, but I was working in the basement, so I didn’t think much about it – it must be the basement. At 8pm, I took advantage of a few minutes break by walking around the block for some fresh air (I didn’t have kids to tuck in bed, so I had free time). When I came back from the hot outdoors, the house felt super cold. Again, I thought I need to warm up the house by turning down the thermometer. This time I dropped it to 72. I keep the house at 72 in the winter, so it should be warmer, right? After my last client, I went past the furnace room and it sounded like the air conditioner was sprinting a marathon. I thought that was odd because I had turned down the temperature – numerous times. I went upstairs to check the thermometer. It was still 74 when I set it to 72… which is when I finally clued in: “I’m an idiot. You turn up the thermometer to make it warmer.” I quickly put it to 78 and the air conditioner groaned, “Thank you!” I’m a grown man who regularly fights with my wife about keeping the house cooler in the winter and warmer in the summer – I’m cheap. I know how to use a thermometer… or at least I normally do. For some reason, on these days my brain just wasn’t connecting.
The truth is we can all have dumb moments. Forutnately, I’m only in my 40s, so it’s just a funny story. If I was a lot older, this experience would likely be less funny as it would leave people concerned about whether I was losing it. It’s like seeing someone fall. A younger person falling is hilarious. An older person… you have to wait and see how they’re doing first. If they’re fine then it’s hilarious. If they’re not… you have to wait until you’re away from the scene and then it’s hilarious. Regardless of the what the dumb moment is, learning to laugh at our mistakes makes life better.
When I wrote the title: “The Dumbest Thing You Can Do Socially” I’m not referring to dumb moments like this. I’m not even claiming that being unable to laugh at ourselves is the dumbest thing (it’s a close second or third). This title is referring to something that can be incredibly painful to others – giving advice or opinions that should be kept to ourselves. This is a form of being bossy, which falls under an aggressive category. It can feel passive aggressive by the receiver because it can feel controlling, but it’s actually being too honest, which is aggressive. If there was an underlying message then it’d be passive aggressive, but this is about being blunt.
Men are traditionally blamed for giving unwanted advice by their wives – because we do. Our brains are wired to think: “You wouldn’t be complaining if you didn’t want advice. You couldn’t be sharing just because you want to get something off your chest and connect with me. That’d be too simple.” Similarly, moms can be blamed for this – because they’re often guilty of it. Their reasoning is usually different than a guys: “I must protect you from bad things.” The reality is, however, everyone is guilty of this at some point, especially when it comes to topics like dating and parenting. It’s like how religion and politics can make people very divisive, but with dating and parenting, because of our own experiences, a lot of us have very strong opinions.
I’m teaching that we shouldn’t give unwanted advice or opinions and I can be accused of doing this from time to time. For instance, I was recently talking with some friends and they shared how they had a difficult three-year-old. Being casual because of how safe I felt with them, I quipped, “It’s a good thing he’s under five, so you can still spank him.” Because I’m such a firm believer in healthy spanking (i.e. it’s basically clapping a bare bum in order to make the child know who’s in charge and make them quicker to listen in the future in hopes you don’t have to do it again), and I’ve talked to a number of others who are in a similar mindset, I thought this was a pretty safe statement to share… but it wasn’t. Whether it was considered as unwanted advice or opinion, I was suddenly in this spot of trying to dig myself out of a hole. I don’t know about you, but I’m not good at digging myself out of holes. By the end of the conversation, things were a bit better, but I definitely upset someone I had no intention of upsetting, which left me feeling gross. The worst/funniest part is this happened at the time I was working on this lesson – brilliant. I guess that makes this lesson more of the “Do as I say, and not as I do,” category for me.
Another example of someone being given unwanted advice was fortunately not by me – yea, for someone being worse. A number of years ago (a safe way to put it since I have no concept of time… and honestly, it could’ve been a few weeks ago the way my brain works), a friend was sharing how he was going through a really rough spell with his girlfriend. After he shared his story, I basically said, “That sucks.” He then looked at me as if he was waiting for something more. After a few moments, he asked, “Aren’t you going to tell me to break up with her?” and I replied, “Why would I do that?” His response surprised me: “Because everyone else I’ve shared this with has told me to.” That’s awesome, isn’t it? Nothing like people who have no attachment or concept of how difficult it is to end a relationship tell someone else who’s hurting to breakup like it’s easy. I then replied, “Well, I guess those people are dumb and lack social skills,” which is funny because that comment was dumb and lacked social skills, or as my wife would call it, “It was a Chad moment.” My bluntness is definitely something I need to work on, but in this instance, my friend appreciated it. Who are we as outsiders to tell someone to do anything? As a listener, our primary goal is to validate feelings and offer our sympathies. Some people like to play the devil’s advocate, but as one comedian quipped, “The devil doesn’t need any help. Stop working on his behalf.” Falling into a subcategory of the devil’s advocate (i.e. someone offering the opposite) is the very positive person who offers a positive way of looking at something someone else is complaining about. As a not-so-positive-thinking person I find this hilarious because I’m not at risk of it – the one benefit of being a not-so-positive-thinking person. In this situation, the very positive person ends up in trouble because they try giving someone complaining a positive way of looking at their frustrating situation, which leads to a very negative reaction. Because they’re offering positivity, the very positive person doesn’t understand why the other would be so upset – it’s positive. Unwanted positivity is like the sun shining warm and bright when you’re trying to keep your ice cream from melting. As great as it is, it’s still unwanted in that moment.
Of course, sometimes people will share something that really irks us to want to say something, and on some level, we should be allowed to share our thoughts. After all, a good listener doesn’t just nod their head; they need to add to the conversation. We just need to be careful how we add to it. One of the best ways to do this is to use a question instead of a statement because even the best-intentioned statement can come across as bossy, know-it-all-y, condescending, and/or critical. Following the scale I’ve been using:
Inferior Minded (-10) —— Humble (0) —— Superior Minded (+10)
This puts the listener in a position where they feel Superior to the other person. Making a question can be as simple as taking a basic statement like “You should break up,” and add a “Have you thought about…” in front of it. For instance, “Have you thought about breaking up?” By asking the sharer’s opinion, you’re giving them the power whereas telling them what to do forces them to be in a submissive position: “I’m smarter than you and you should do as I tell you because of that even though I clearly don’t understand the situation as deeply as you.” A question can also be more elaborate, but the goal is to give the other person the power; you just want to guide them to thinking. A wise question will include two options like “Is this pain worth it or is it wearing you down?” For more elaborate situations, sometimes a question should have three options: “Do you think this is a sign she’s done with the relationship, she’s not a good person behind closed doors, or are you two just in a bad phase?” This is definitely harder to do, but it can be helpful for the other person who needs guidance to process what’s happening: “Now that you mention it, I guess we’re just in a bad phase.” Asking a one option question like “Do you think you should break up?” is a more direct question that can be acceptable depending on the receiver, but I prefer to give at least two options because I get into enough trouble for being direct. The key to the two or three option question is you need to give a positive out, which means you can’t ask: “So are you stupid or just a moron?”
I recently had an old friend message me to say she feels like a terrible parent. She then added that sharing this with some people led to them giving her advice and opinions that reinforced her feeling like a terrible parent, which made it all the worse. Fortunately, it was over text and I was able to take a little time to think about my response. I might have been a bit rambly, but I started by writing: “From my experience, people typically mean well, but give stupid advice… no offence to them.” I then pointed out how my middle daughter is very challenging (so much for the middle child being a peace keeper) and how defeated I can feel with her, which I shared to affirm her discouragement. At the risk of sounding like I was giving advice, I mentioned the one thing that gives me hope is bringing our kids to Sunday School because they receive great lessons on how to live and love better, and hopefully this influence will have long term benefits. I then shared a similar situation of someone else I knew in a very similar spot as another way to show she’s not alone in this particular struggle. I concluded by writing: “For the record, you’re better with kids than most people. Others should give less advice and more affirmation of how loving and talented you are.” The great thing about this message is I meant every word. This woman is incredibly talented with kids. She’s lightyears better than me (not that that’s saying much because young kids terrify me). The truth is she’s having a difficult time because she has such a difficult situation – people should affirm that. When she talked with others, what did she need to hear, advice or an affirmation that she’s awesome? (Notice the two option question?) Unfortunately, a lot of us feel a pressure to save the person in trouble when all they need is to be reminded that they have the strength and ability to figure it out.
This week may you consider how you can encourage someone by reaffirming them rather than giving advice.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
Last week I went with my family to my wife’s family cottage for three days. As we were leaving, I thought since we’re not going to be home and I don’t want to waste energy, I should turn down the air conditioner. To turn it down, I moved the thermostat down from the current 76 to 75. If you know anything about thermometers you’re thinking: “That doesn’t seem right,” because it’s not. Don’t worry. It gets dumber. Three days later, as planned, I came home by myself. Yes, I came home to work while my wife and kids were at the cottage, which means between my wife and I, even though I was “working”, I was the one getting a vacation – no kids! Cottages are great for relaxing… unless you have three under 10. I’ve been waaaayyyyy more relaxed than she has been.
When I entered my house, it felt colder than usual. It had been extra hot out, so my brain assumed it felt colder because the transition from the outside heat to the house’s cooler air must be that drastic. It couldn’t have been the temperature of the house because I had turned it down. The next morning, I was still feeling cold, so I turned down the air conditioner again; this time from 75 to 74. By lunch, I had to put on a long sleeve shirt because I was so cold, but I was working in the basement, so I didn’t think much about it – it must be the basement. At 8pm, I took advantage of a few minutes break by walking around the block for some fresh air (I didn’t have kids to tuck in bed, so I had free time). When I came back from the hot outdoors, the house felt super cold. Again, I thought I need to warm up the house by turning down the thermometer. This time I dropped it to 72. I keep the house at 72 in the winter, so it should be warmer, right? After my last client, I went past the furnace room and it sounded like the air conditioner was sprinting a marathon. I thought that was odd because I had turned down the temperature – numerous times. I went upstairs to check the thermometer. It was still 74 when I set it to 72… which is when I finally clued in: “I’m an idiot. You turn up the thermometer to make it warmer.” I quickly put it to 78 and the air conditioner groaned, “Thank you!” I’m a grown man who regularly fights with my wife about keeping the house cooler in the winter and warmer in the summer – I’m cheap. I know how to use a thermometer… or at least I normally do. For some reason, on these days my brain just wasn’t connecting.
The truth is we can all have dumb moments. Forutnately, I’m only in my 40s, so it’s just a funny story. If I was a lot older, this experience would likely be less funny as it would leave people concerned about whether I was losing it. It’s like seeing someone fall. A younger person falling is hilarious. An older person… you have to wait and see how they’re doing first. If they’re fine then it’s hilarious. If they’re not… you have to wait until you’re away from the scene and then it’s hilarious. Regardless of the what the dumb moment is, learning to laugh at our mistakes makes life better.
When I wrote the title: “The Dumbest Thing You Can Do Socially” I’m not referring to dumb moments like this. I’m not even claiming that being unable to laugh at ourselves is the dumbest thing (it’s a close second or third). This title is referring to something that can be incredibly painful to others – giving advice or opinions that should be kept to ourselves. This is a form of being bossy, which falls under an aggressive category. It can feel passive aggressive by the receiver because it can feel controlling, but it’s actually being too honest, which is aggressive. If there was an underlying message then it’d be passive aggressive, but this is about being blunt.
Men are traditionally blamed for giving unwanted advice by their wives – because we do. Our brains are wired to think: “You wouldn’t be complaining if you didn’t want advice. You couldn’t be sharing just because you want to get something off your chest and connect with me. That’d be too simple.” Similarly, moms can be blamed for this – because they’re often guilty of it. Their reasoning is usually different than a guys: “I must protect you from bad things.” The reality is, however, everyone is guilty of this at some point, especially when it comes to topics like dating and parenting. It’s like how religion and politics can make people very divisive, but with dating and parenting, because of our own experiences, a lot of us have very strong opinions.
I’m teaching that we shouldn’t give unwanted advice or opinions and I can be accused of doing this from time to time. For instance, I was recently talking with some friends and they shared how they had a difficult three-year-old. Being casual because of how safe I felt with them, I quipped, “It’s a good thing he’s under five, so you can still spank him.” Because I’m such a firm believer in healthy spanking (i.e. it’s basically clapping a bare bum in order to make the child know who’s in charge and make them quicker to listen in the future in hopes you don’t have to do it again), and I’ve talked to a number of others who are in a similar mindset, I thought this was a pretty safe statement to share… but it wasn’t. Whether it was considered as unwanted advice or opinion, I was suddenly in this spot of trying to dig myself out of a hole. I don’t know about you, but I’m not good at digging myself out of holes. By the end of the conversation, things were a bit better, but I definitely upset someone I had no intention of upsetting, which left me feeling gross. The worst/funniest part is this happened at the time I was working on this lesson – brilliant. I guess that makes this lesson more of the “Do as I say, and not as I do,” category for me.
Another example of someone being given unwanted advice was fortunately not by me – yea, for someone being worse. A number of years ago (a safe way to put it since I have no concept of time… and honestly, it could’ve been a few weeks ago the way my brain works), a friend was sharing how he was going through a really rough spell with his girlfriend. After he shared his story, I basically said, “That sucks.” He then looked at me as if he was waiting for something more. After a few moments, he asked, “Aren’t you going to tell me to break up with her?” and I replied, “Why would I do that?” His response surprised me: “Because everyone else I’ve shared this with has told me to.” That’s awesome, isn’t it? Nothing like people who have no attachment or concept of how difficult it is to end a relationship tell someone else who’s hurting to breakup like it’s easy. I then replied, “Well, I guess those people are dumb and lack social skills,” which is funny because that comment was dumb and lacked social skills, or as my wife would call it, “It was a Chad moment.” My bluntness is definitely something I need to work on, but in this instance, my friend appreciated it. Who are we as outsiders to tell someone to do anything? As a listener, our primary goal is to validate feelings and offer our sympathies. Some people like to play the devil’s advocate, but as one comedian quipped, “The devil doesn’t need any help. Stop working on his behalf.” Falling into a subcategory of the devil’s advocate (i.e. someone offering the opposite) is the very positive person who offers a positive way of looking at something someone else is complaining about. As a not-so-positive-thinking person I find this hilarious because I’m not at risk of it – the one benefit of being a not-so-positive-thinking person. In this situation, the very positive person ends up in trouble because they try giving someone complaining a positive way of looking at their frustrating situation, which leads to a very negative reaction. Because they’re offering positivity, the very positive person doesn’t understand why the other would be so upset – it’s positive. Unwanted positivity is like the sun shining warm and bright when you’re trying to keep your ice cream from melting. As great as it is, it’s still unwanted in that moment.
Of course, sometimes people will share something that really irks us to want to say something, and on some level, we should be allowed to share our thoughts. After all, a good listener doesn’t just nod their head; they need to add to the conversation. We just need to be careful how we add to it. One of the best ways to do this is to use a question instead of a statement because even the best-intentioned statement can come across as bossy, know-it-all-y, condescending, and/or critical. Following the scale I’ve been using:
Inferior Minded (-10) —— Humble (0) —— Superior Minded (+10)
This puts the listener in a position where they feel Superior to the other person. Making a question can be as simple as taking a basic statement like “You should break up,” and add a “Have you thought about…” in front of it. For instance, “Have you thought about breaking up?” By asking the sharer’s opinion, you’re giving them the power whereas telling them what to do forces them to be in a submissive position: “I’m smarter than you and you should do as I tell you because of that even though I clearly don’t understand the situation as deeply as you.” A question can also be more elaborate, but the goal is to give the other person the power; you just want to guide them to thinking. A wise question will include two options like “Is this pain worth it or is it wearing you down?” For more elaborate situations, sometimes a question should have three options: “Do you think this is a sign she’s done with the relationship, she’s not a good person behind closed doors, or are you two just in a bad phase?” This is definitely harder to do, but it can be helpful for the other person who needs guidance to process what’s happening: “Now that you mention it, I guess we’re just in a bad phase.” Asking a one option question like “Do you think you should break up?” is a more direct question that can be acceptable depending on the receiver, but I prefer to give at least two options because I get into enough trouble for being direct. The key to the two or three option question is you need to give a positive out, which means you can’t ask: “So are you stupid or just a moron?”
I recently had an old friend message me to say she feels like a terrible parent. She then added that sharing this with some people led to them giving her advice and opinions that reinforced her feeling like a terrible parent, which made it all the worse. Fortunately, it was over text and I was able to take a little time to think about my response. I might have been a bit rambly, but I started by writing: “From my experience, people typically mean well, but give stupid advice… no offence to them.” I then pointed out how my middle daughter is very challenging (so much for the middle child being a peace keeper) and how defeated I can feel with her, which I shared to affirm her discouragement. At the risk of sounding like I was giving advice, I mentioned the one thing that gives me hope is bringing our kids to Sunday School because they receive great lessons on how to live and love better, and hopefully this influence will have long term benefits. I then shared a similar situation of someone else I knew in a very similar spot as another way to show she’s not alone in this particular struggle. I concluded by writing: “For the record, you’re better with kids than most people. Others should give less advice and more affirmation of how loving and talented you are.” The great thing about this message is I meant every word. This woman is incredibly talented with kids. She’s lightyears better than me (not that that’s saying much because young kids terrify me). The truth is she’s having a difficult time because she has such a difficult situation – people should affirm that. When she talked with others, what did she need to hear, advice or an affirmation that she’s awesome? (Notice the two option question?) Unfortunately, a lot of us feel a pressure to save the person in trouble when all they need is to be reminded that they have the strength and ability to figure it out.
This week may you consider how you can encourage someone by reaffirming them rather than giving advice.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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