One of the hardest things about being an overly nice person is you tend to get more hurt than the average person. This can lead to extra people pleasing behaviors or avoiding people altogether. It’s interesting; those who become reclusive are typically very nice people who have burnt themselves out giving too much, people too scared to push themselves to be nice (and claim they’re introverts as an excuse for not being friendly), or simply mean people who assume others are mean like them. It’s a shame overly nice people end up in the same category as the other two, but on the plus side, there is something overly nice people can do to reduce how hurt they get from others. Let’s get into that starting with an experience I went through over thirteen years ago.
When I was a youth pastor the best thing I ever did was encouraged by someone else (being open to advice is one of the smartest, nice things we can do for ourselves). It was even by someone who is very unhealthy (no offence to him). In the first year I was working for a pastor (like therapists, pastors are often unhealthy people distracting themselves from their own junk by helping others with theirs) he encouraged/told me to do a mission trip with young people from the church through a group called Center for Student Missions (CSM). That started an almost annual tradition that made a lasting impact on everyone who went, especially me. When you work as a team for a week in a new city in various volunteer positions that push you out of your comfort zone (e.g. talking to those in a nursing home or homeless on the street), it builds deep relationships with your team members and helps you see how strong you can be. It also teaches the benefits of helping others and being nice in a healthy way – you enjoy life more. Meanwhile, being overly nice tends to do the opposite; it sucks the life out of you. On these trips, however, for all we gave, we received so much more in return. Maybe it was because it was only for a week or because we were all giving equally or the relationships we were building felt so good, but we experienced this verse firsthand: “…those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” (Pro 11:25)
The last mission trip I did was to LA. Why? Because I wanted to go. Sometimes you need to make things work for you, especially if this meant I was doing a lot of overtime since planning these trips took time beyond my paid hours. I’m not saying this to justify my trip choice… or maybe I am. My overly nice side is sometimes hard to kick.
Tip: Anyone who has to explain why they do what they do (like I just did) is trying to avoid conflict or judgement… even though it’s usually very annoying to everyone else and it’ll likely cause more conflict and/or judgement– another tip to overly nice people: Stop explaining why you do things; it comes across as defensive and weak.
The truth is when I was booking a trip I picked locations that would intrigue young people and LA definitely was more appealing than Boston, my other option (no offence to people who love Boston, but it doesn’t have Disneyland). This trip ended up being incredible, but as one believer recently told me, if the devil isn’t attacking you, God’s not in what you’re doing. This trip definitely faced some opposition. I originally booked it in the fall and then that following March was when I was told the church was letting me go because they couldn’t afford me anymore. My one request was that I still be able to run one last summer camping trip in July and the mission trip scheduled for the end of August, which I’d do as a volunteer. The pastors, a husband and wife team agreed and things were good… until I got a phone call from the husband (another unhealthy pastor). Even though I had a set roster of those going to LA, a woman I had allowed to come out to youth events wanted to go. She was in her early 30s and had the developmental ability of a weak 10 year old. Her hygiene was also like a 10 year old… a 10 year old who had never been taught how to properly take care of themselves. I think that paints a pretty good picture. To make matters worse, she had been at that year’s winter camping trip in early March where she talked about how she was struggling with some dark thoughts that caused one of my leaders (a trained nurse) to be stuck to her side most of the trip. I told the pastor I wasn’t comfortable bringing this woman on a trip like this, especially when we had to cross the border. He was firm – either she goes or they wouldn’t sponsor the trip. I needed the church to sponsor this because they had something very valuable for these kinds of events – insurance. In response, I was firm – only if he wanted to send someone to be with her the whole time. He then proved my earlier statement about pastors with a very firm no. That was the end of that conversation and any ties I had to the church as a leader. You could argue this was two people being nice to a point since we both had our boundaries. I would argue, however, he was being mean because he didn’t want to consider that he didn’t fully understand what he was asking (he had no idea how delayed she was), and then he wouldn’t even consider my counter option for her to go. He also didn’t understand how mean he was being because he would rather cancel both the camping trip and missions trip I was doing for free if that meant he didn’t get his way. This was a power move: “You need me, so you’ll do as I say,” or more commonly known as blackmail, you know, the tool you’re supposed to use as a pastor. In these situations, the person in my position often wants to say a phrase like “With all due respect…” that’s followed by something that shows absolutely no respect – that’s fun. Using a phrase like this, however, would make me cross over to being mean like him because those words aren’t about moving forward; they’re just a jab to retaliate. Instead, I told him I’d consider his demand and then found another group to sponsor us with insurance coverage. I will point out it’s hard when dumb people make life harder. It’s also sad to consider that if this was an attack by the devil, in this situation the pastor was working for him, but pride pushes all of us including me to the wrong team from time to time. What separates good people is they work hard at not letting pride or self deprecation lead them astray too often.
One of the best yet incredibly awkward moments I’ve ever experienced was on that mission’s trip. LA is known for having Skid Row, a section of the city that is exploding with thousands of homeless people who set up tents at night on the sidewalks and then clean them up in the morning. One of the main problems with being homeless is the boredom, so one volunteer group set up a regular karaoke night for them that was a huge hit. The homeless people there were incredibly encouraging to each other. They’d cheer for one another like they were a popular singer, and each person who sang always walked off the stage full of pride. It was a really incredible experience… until we were told we had to sing something, too. Apparently it was customary for visitors to get up front. There was a huge catalogue of songs, but pretty much all of the song choices were for the older, African American crowd since almost everyone at Skid Row karaoke was an older, African American. For instance, I know of Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder, but I don’t know their music. Picking a song was like the blind leading the blind (can I use that here?). We were lost until one of the guys in the group noticed songs by the Beetles were available. Our group of 14 white people from Canada (obviously privileged if we can afford to fly to LA) ended up singing “All you need is love,” to a group of homeless people. I don’t know if the awkward air in the room was because we were the only 14 white people there or that we were the only people there under 50 (or that we were the only people there who had all their teeth). Or maybe the awkwardness was because this well dressed (comparatively) group was singing “All you need is love” to homeless people who likely wanted to yell, “Oh, yeah? How about a home!” “How about a tomato to throw at the pretentious group of young people singing All You Need is Love!” I’ve bombed on stage before, but this was different. It was karaoke. You can be terrible and as long as you’re having fun, the crowd is happy… but not this crowd. After we were done even our CSM host was like “Maybe we should leave.” On the plus side, if you’re going to have a bad moment, it’s better shared as a group, especially since it becomes funny later: (person) “Ow, I just cut myself.” (friend) “Remember, all you need is love. Love the blood away.”
This brings up the main point for this lesson: Sometimes we have good intentions, but it just doesn’t land right. Sometimes other people have good intentions, but they just don’t present them well. Good intentions come from love and whether they land right or not, we should try to receive them with love. Unfortunately, when things don’t land well, the other person will likely be hurt/offended and attack the person who had good intentions because they’re assumed to have had bad intentions: (hurt person) “You were trying to hurt me, so now I have to get back at you!” Bad intentions come from selfishness, pride, revenge, and spite. Most fights start from someone with good intentions being misinterpreted gets attacked by someone who was hurt and now retaliating with bad intentions, which will likely spark the first person to retaliate or shut down. This is why every fight is the other person’s fault. When someone has good intentions but accused of having bad intentions, they end up very hurt and confused: “Why would you think I was being mean?” As someone who tries to be funny, I know this well: “Why would you think my joke was meant to be hurtful? I’m not mean. I have poor social skills.” These bad assumptions about someone really damage trust.
The best way for nice people to reduce their hurt is to check someone’s intentions with a good question and not assume the worst. A good question looks like: “Was that a good intention not landing well with me or are you trying to hurt me?” Notice how there are two options? Never just ask, “Are you trying to hurt me?” Give a positive out to soften it: “Are you trying to hurt me or am I misreading this?” If the person was trying to hurt you, you can now ask why or get away from them. Don’t engage with someone trying to hurt you because that’s a recipe for disaster. If they were trying to be mean, that’s on them. Either they’re having a bad moment or they’re a bad person. If the person wasn’t trying to hurt you, great, find out what they were trying to do and carry on.
When the people at the karaoke place told us we had to perform they had good intentions. When we chose the song and sang it, we had good intentions, but for all the goodness in the intentions it didn’t land well (like seriously didn’t land well). When the pastor told me I had to bring that lady on the trip, he had a good (but very misguided) intention. When he used his power as a threat, that became a bad intention, but, fortunately, God gave us another option and I was able to do the camping and mission trip. The devil might try to stop good things, but God can make anything a win: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Rom 8:28)
This week may you consider other peoples’ intentions in order to reduce the hurt you experience… and may you consider your own to limit how much hurt you cause.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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