In the last lesson we considered the idea that the devil can use us to hurt and discourage others. I don’t know if the devil was inspired by that lesson or if he simply wanted to “encourage” me to know I was right, but it was quite the week. Four sets of people managed to leave my head spinning. Let’s get into it.
One of the hardest things about being a therapist is you have to prove yourself to the client. They are the boss, and I need to make them happy enough to want to see me again because there are plenty of therapists in the sea. As a people pleaser with a history of trying to earn love this can be a real challenge because being employed is ultimately a form of popularity contest. What’s crazy is I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if I have better tools than other therapists (I typically do), people will choose someone else if they think that person is something more. This can be smarter/snobbier, more serious (which is unnecessary), or a better “fit” which typically means this is someone who won’t challenge the client, but they’re left feeling good about themselves. One of my main rules is I don’t just agree with people. My goal is to help clients grow and some people don’t actually want that; they want to be told they’re right and everyone else is the problem (at least if they’re passive aggressive). This becomes the biggest issue in couple’s therapy. When I work with couples, I won’t let one person dominate the session (like a proper therapist), but if you have someone who wants to dominate the conversation this will likely lead to them hating me – they want the control. This type of person typically just wants to be validated as the “good one”, but that’s not healthy. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango, and we need to accept our part in the conflict if we want to be empowered for change – we’re not helpless. It’s never just one person’s fault even though we might want to think that. Every once in awhile I meet a couple where the one person refuses to accept any responsibility even when I explain this, which means they will hate me. I once had a friend tell me that for a session a week for four months their couples counselling consisted of his then wife complaining about him and the therapist turning to him and asking, “And how does that make you feel?” That’s not therapy because nothing is getting resolved. That’s placating to a dominant partner who wants to play a victim, which is great if you want clients to return because the dominant person is happy and forces the other to keep going. What’s crazy to me is this person’s now ex (the result of bad therapy) would’ve thought that therapist was great because they got to do all the talking even though nothing good was happening. A good therapist should challenge you and (at least occasionally) leave you feeling like you’re not the greatest partner in the world. This person never had that; hence, they were full of pride and never humble enough to actually work on the marriage.
As a therapist I know some people won’t like me, but when it happens it’s still jarring. What was crazy was this week I had two sets of people seem to be really happy with me after a first session. I know that because before they said goodbye they insisted on booking multiple sessions when I normally only book one session out at a time. What’s interesting is I’ve learned that anyone who insists on multiple bookings after the first session have a 95% chance of never seeing me again. What’s also interesting is even though I know this I assume this time will be different… and then I’m wrong. Several days later, both couples ended up telling me they didn’t think we were a good fit. I asked the one if they could give me a one to two sentence reason why in order for me to be better in the future and nothing. I wish I was better at this kind of rejection, but it messes with my head: “What’d I do wrong? You seemed so happy; what changed? What thought came out after the session?” I can tell myself the typical things like “You can’t make everyone happy,” and “When you’re working with hurting people, they can make bad choices,” but it’s still the same end point – you’re not good enough.
So what’s the main reason why I struggle to find healing in situations like this? I don’t have anger. I just feel sad. Sadness is a gift because it can help us slow down and self reflect, but too long in this emotion and you end up feeling weak. Anger, on the other hand, is empowering. It’s fantastic for energizing you. It helps you say, “Screw that. I’m fine without them,” which leaves you feeling better. That’s what I often miss in these situations: “That’s their loss.” Instead, my natural brain is “I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? This doesn’t make any sense!” (This ties back into the lesson I did awhile ago on whether you blame yourself or blame others.)
For a lot of people anger is their favorite emotion and their natural go-to. They get to feel empowered, but then they end up missing out on the gift of sadness, which means they never self reflect and grow. Not only that, but too much anger makes you a jerk since you can be intimidating and hard to deal with in the day to day. When it’s combined with a little sadness and used properly, however, anger is the necessary ingredient for surviving the rejections in life and carrying on undiscouraged.
Back when I was playing Ultimate Frisbee, I remember one night leaving the field so angry at the other team for how rude they had been. For instance, after the game I said to the one guy who stood out, “You played really well,” and he told me to screw off. They were shockingly rude for grownups playing what’s supposed to be a sportsmanship-minded game, but as I was leaving and feeling my anger, I realized I felt fantastic. The blood was pumping and I felt alive. Anger often gets a bad rap because it can make us dumb and lead to stupid choices, but it is a gift from God to help us heal and carry on with courage.
The key is to be angry, but not do anything stupid in our anger. For instance, the third rejection I faced this past week was from someone who should never have lashed out at me. He had just had the anniversary of his wife’s death and he wasn’t in a good headspace, but it still didn’t make sense. I’ll admit I haven’t been the best at calling him this past year, but I’m a dude and calling isn’t something we do. It’s also the last thing I want to do after working as a therapist all day, but I still did it a handful of times over the year along with sending texts to check in. I was originally friends with his wife through work, but then I did their wedding and a few years later her funeral, so our own connection had grown. Knowing it was the anniversary of his wife’s death I sent him several messages over the week like “Praying for you,” but the last one I sent he misinterpreted and unloaded on me. I know he was in a lot of emotional pain and not in the right headspace, but it still hurts to be attacked, especially when I had been trying to be thoughtful. In response to the attack, I sent what I thought was a very kind response that wasn’t overly defensive, but factual to clear a few things up. I never heard back, so it looks like that connection is done. I could message him again to ask a question like “Did my response help the situation or are you still angry?” but this has been a one-sided relationship where I was the only one putting in the work for little return. The bigger thing is I’ve had to fight the temptation to send a type of “screw you” message (e.g. “How dare you accuse me of those things when I’ve been kind to you,” or “You’ve been cutting everyone off this year, so it makes sense you’d do the same to me,”). Sending a message out of anger, however, isn’t something a good person would do and since that’s my goal I need to bite my tongue (or I guess, “hold my thumbs”). I don’t want to let my anger lead me to doing something dumb, so I’ll privately vent and that’s it. Unlike him, I want to use my anger to heal and not add more hurt.
The fourth rejection I had was actually the one to start my week of rejection. It was the night before a big event I was running and I was hit pretty hard. Of course, some people could have this happen and be unaffected, but for me, this was very triggering. Because I was receiving text messages with last minute questions, I decided to check my email at 11:30pm in case that was the route people went to ask about the next day. I had checked around 9pm, so I didn’t think there’d be anything there, but better safe than sorry… so I thought. I ended up being very sorry. During that short window I received two emails that messed with my head. Notice, it wasn’t even just one email? This was either quite the coincidence or the devil was messing with me again. The first email told me that the $880 I paid two weeks earlier never actually went through, and I was now wondering if I had been scammed. That was a sinking feeling. The second email was from an upset bride I did a wedding for more than a month before. When I left that wedding, I thought things were good. The bride looked like she’d been having a great time, the AV crew loved the ceremony, and the venue host who knows me treated me like it was another solid ceremony. This email, however, suggested a very different story. The bride was unhappy and asking for her full payment back. This message crushed me and I struggled to sleep that night and focus on my big event (the devil knows my weak spot) even though there was a chance this email was inspired by her VISA bill coming in. The main reason this was surprising is because I’ve had a few upset brides in the past, I’m very cautious for whom I do weddings. I’m very clear: “If you want a funny ceremony, I’m the greatest officiant you’ll find, but if you don’t, I’m the absolute worst.” I then point out that I ask questions about how they met and things they like and I make jokes about them for the ceremony making it very personal and fun. If anything, I push couples away because I don’t want to risk upsetting anyone.
In previous situations when I had an upset bride, I caved hard and fast. I had no backbone, but this time I was stronger… kind of. I was very apologetic and asked for help to understand the problem because going over my notes and memory I was very confused at the complaint. I was also smart to seek some wise counsel who pointed out to me “If you don’t like the haircut, it’s not free. You still have to pay for it because a service is a service.” Fortunately, after pointing out a few things in an email to the bride (an email I admittedly made longer than it needed to be because I was still more defensive than I should’ve been) she said the magic words: “You didn’t express our special love for each other.” These are the words of someone who should never have hired me. If she wanted me to tell people that their love was this magical experience that we should all be envious of she is not the person she presented. As an officiant I know as happy as a couple appears with me before the wedding, there’s a good chance they’re getting divorced later. As a therapist I know it’s the brides who want to feel they have a “special” love that are more likely to get divorced later because they don’t understand that marriage is about commitment to work and not a “feeling”.
This realization led to what I needed, anger. I went from feeling terrible and sad to being angry and it was incredible. I was finally able to have the proper “screw you” mentality I needed in order to let the situation go and not let it haunt me. Anger is a gift from God, and I finally found it.
This week may you consider how anger can be healing for you.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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