This New Year I want to make a resolution that makes a difference in my life, and one I can actually maintain. The popular definition of “crazy” is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. This means the definition of “stupid” is doing the same thing over and over not realizing it isn’t working. Even further, this means the definition of “really stupid” is doing the same thing over and over, realizing it’s not working, but not caring and to keep doing it. I don’t want to be crazy, stupid or really stupid. Thus, for my New Year’s resolution I need to re-evaluate what I’m doing and whether it’s working the way it should. Many of us get into a routine and keep doing the same thing without a second thought, but that would be like using a toilet that doesn’t flush anymore. If we don’t realize it’s not working or don’t care, it’s going to smell like… crap, literally… and eventually it’s going to overflow thereby creating an even bigger mess. Re-evaluating is important, especially if we have (or had) bad role models. For instance, if your role model had OCD you may want to double check your own behaviors: (person whose parent had OCD) “You mean I don’t have to check the stove every half hour?”
This idea came to me while I was watching the old Rudolph story; the one where Santa is portrayed as a jerk. Based on this show, parents back then were very different. Today if a baby has a nose that lights up you wouldn’t try hiding it like Rudolph’s parents; you’d take him to a doctor. A glowing red nose is not a good sign… unless he has the saddest Xmen power of them all. (Xmen member) “I can blow things up with my mind. What’s your power?” (Rudolph) “My nose glows like I have a big juicy zit on the end, but brighter.” (Xmen member) “Oh wow, that’s intimidating.”
At the end of this story Frosty sings the song “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas”. I’ve heard and sung this song many times over the years, but for some reason some lines stood out to me this time: “Oh ho the mistletoe hung where you can see. Somebody waits for you. Kiss her once for me.” Did you notice? Not the best lines. First, I would never recommend starting off by saying, “Oh ho.” I figure it’s more like Santa’s ho ho, but saying “Oh ho” isn’t the best thing to say around someone, especially if she’s sensitive about her sexual exploits: (guy) “Oh ho (distracted from continuing the song).” (nearby girl) “What did you call me?” I’m guessing not too many girlfriends would want this as a nickname: (boyfriend) “Oh Ho.” (girlfriend) “Are you looking for a reason for me to make your life miserable?” Saying “Oh ho” is really risky especially when you’re going to talk about kissing. “Oh ho, look, mistletoe; now you can be all ho like and it’s okay. Go be your ho self.”
The next line is “…the mistletoe hung where you can see. Somebody waits for you.” Isn’t that a bit presumptuous? (creepy guy) “Hey there; you’re under mistletoe. You must be waiting for me… No? But the song said… never mind, I guess we’re even, because I wasn’t waiting for you either (whimper).” Even if the girl said yes part of you would have to wonder if she only said that to not hurt your feelings. Or maybe she’s a really good pickpocket and the kiss is a distraction. Or maybe she’s a dude dressed as a girl set up as a joke. Or maybe she’s trying to steal your teeth via her tongue. Can you tell I have little faith in a girl making a move on me unless there’s an ulterior motive?
The worst line in the song is “Kiss her once for me.” Who says that? (random guy) “Hey when you see your wife, kiss her once for me.” (husband) “Are you hitting on me?” (random guy) “No, I just mean kiss her and tell her it’s from me; she’ll understand.” (husband) “Do you two have something going on?” (random guy) “No, I just really want you to satisfy her.” (husband) “I think I’m doing okay.” (random guy) “I doubt that. Here, when you kiss her use your tongue like this (demonstrates) because that’s how I would kiss her. Do it for me by doing it for her.” (husband) “Should I punch you now or later?” Saying to someone kiss her once for me sounds almost like an insult or teasing: (friend) “When you see your sister kiss her for me will yah? She’s so hot.” (other friend responds jokingly) “Shut up (friendly punches).”
Despite these lines being so bizarre I’ve always accepted them as normal, but they’re not. How many things in my own life do I consider normal, but they’re not? Even mistletoe is more interesting than I realized. I recently learned that it was originally used by the Druids as the gods’ fertility plant and was later adopted by the Romans who hung up mistletoe during orgies. I’m glad we have the PG version, especially since I grew up with my mom hanging mistletoe up at Christmas time. The funny thing is the name mistletoe comes from the Germanic word mista, which means “manure” and “dung”. No, the Romans didn’t have their orgies in manure piles; the plant grows out of oak trees that are well fertilized by bird droppings. (Can you tell I received a fact book for Christmas?) I’m not sure why “toe” is used at the end, but my guess is it was made by a guy with a foot fettish (guy with foot fettish) “You know what would go great with this bird dropping plant? Toes. Hmmm that sounds so good.” That certainly dumps the whole romantic vibe of mistletoe doesn’t it? A dungy toe. Hmm.
Just like in the case of this song and the use of mistletoe, I want to start rethinking why I do what I do when it comes to things that don’t help me be a better person or my habits that lead to conflict.
May 2014 be a year where you discover (preferably in friendly ways) things in your life that are holding you back and may you have the courage and wisdom to know how to fix it.
Rev Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up