I am not the smartest person in the world; I haven’t studied battle tactics or trained with an army; I haven’t even played Halo or Call of Duty, but if I was in charge of the U.S. I could’ve won the war in the Middle East within a week at a fraction of the cost and without any death. What the government needs to understand is if you want to beat an army of boys you don’t need a bigger army. To beat a boy you don’t need bigger muscles; you don’t need a bigger weapon. You just need… a woman. I’m not saying America should only be sending in female soldiers; I’m saying we shouldn’t be sending in any soldiers, just women. The army motto shouldn’t be: “Be all you can be.” It should be: “What happens in the desert stays in the desert.” We need to make the desert hot and sweaty… for a different reason than the sun. It’s going to get hot and sweaty because we would send in some hot women in tiny outfits. These boys we’re fighting are living in the desert; they`re very alone in the desert, so they’re pent up and irritable. You send in a soldier: (irritable desert dwelling boy): “Kill him!” Send in a hot girl in a bikini: (irritable desert dwelling boy with severely pent up hormones): “This is the greatest day of my life. I love the Americans. America is my new favourite country. I want to move there and open a pizza shop or whatever the stereotypical store is for my people.” We keep sending in soldiers to fight, but why do we have to fight? We need to listen to Lady Gaga, “Just dance.” Haven’t government officials ever seen shows like Alias or Chuck (Chuck being the greatest show ever made)? To beat a man, send in a hot woman. The girl will disarm the hardened yet lonely soldier with her good looks. Then there`d be no need to fight… just dance. Instead of a battlefield, make it a dance floor. To win the “war”, don’t bomb; be the bomb.
Some of you might be wondering (baffled and slightly confused reader at my brilliant idea): “Who do we send on such a mission? Isn’t this a bit of an ethical issue of objectifying women?” It`s no different than a music video with girls dancing in bikinis and from a moral perspective, isn’t this a far more loving approach than killing people and wasting billions of dollars that could be used to help the poor? Besides, we’re really just sharing our culture with another country. It’d be like opening a McDonalds for them, which we could also do… but that would be counterproductive if we want them to like us: (desert boy looking at McDonalds food) “I think the Americans are trying to kill us with heart disease.”
Finding girls to send to dance in bikinis wouldn`t be hard since most politicians have escort services on speed dial and they can use their frequent shopper points to save the country money. The government keeps asking families to send their sons and daughters off to war. I say it’s time the government officials sacrificed something they love. Besides, the “war” would be over within weeks. While the escorts are away I’m sure the politicians could find an intern or two to fill in the hole during that time. My apologies to politicians with morals who have never paid for sex or wanted to, which is arguably like apologizing to unicorns and leprechauns. Even if the government didn’t want to sacrifice their hobby for a few weeks they could simply advertise: “Save the country and get a tan,” or “Make love not war… literally… to save the country.” It’d be great. We’d end the war without a single shot being fired and without any terrorist backlash because they’d love us, and ask to make this an annual event.
If you think about it, the people we’re fighting have been living in the desert and haven’t seen a woman in a long time, especially not a woman dressed like an American woman. Let’s be honest, they’d be so lonely and repressed we could send in a truckload of reasonably ugly women and the guys would still go crazy over them: (soldier) “Is that a woman? A real woman? That is a real woman… an American woman without scruples and self respect? It’s a dream come true.” Not only would the desert men be happy, the bottom of the reasonably ugly women would be thinking: “Finally a man who looks at me like Megan Fox,” so it’s a win-win.
To make sure things go smooth we could also send a DJ to help get the party started, a few portable pools, and some blackjack tables to help give the desert boys more of the full Vegas experience… you know what, throw in Celine Dionne… she probably shouldn’t sing if we want to make a good impression. It’d just be so we could say it was a true Vegas experience like most people who go to her show (person in Vegas) “I guess we`re in Vegas so we should see her show.”
After a day or two the ladies would simply have to ask the desert boys: “Will you stop fighting the U.S.?” And it’d all be over. Then after the war is over we would celebrate the victory by forming Las Vegas 2, the Middle East version, which is ultimately a way to win back some of the billions we’ve sent them for their oil.
Why This Works
This whole idea is using what we know and giving it practical application. As we discussed last week, women have power over boys. To add to this, boys are stupid as discussed in the book Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great. The unfortunate truth is boys are constantly looking for ways to stroke their ego and to be able to say: “I’m bigger than you.” Our sense of competition often leads us to doing stupid things to prove ourselves. One of the stupidest is war (referee) “Okay, so the side that wins has the most people living at the end. Go to it.” What the government needs to realize is that to win a war you only need to understand one point: boys are stupid. I guess they don’t realize that since… they’re boys. I’m sure you understand the implications of that… unless maybe you’re a boy. A former boss of mine used to say “Work smarter and not harder.” This is what we need to start applying in situations like this, but I guess it’d be more like “work smarter and not… death.” My plan is simple, cost effective and will save thousands of lives… but that’s assuming that’s something the government would want, but that’s a whole other issue.
This week may you realize the importance of working smarter and not harder and the possibility of work smarter and not death.
Rev. Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up