Here’s a topic that proves why I don’t work for a church – no pastor would touch this (insert joke here). Fortunately, by me addressing this as a Christian therapist, small group leaders can say, “Here’s an article by a Christian therapist. Do you think he’s onto something or has being a therapist caused him to be desensitized and have wayward beliefs?” Now the leader can create discussion and open the door to some deeper self reflection… or maybe it’ll just lead to Christians thinking I’m horrible and they can bond in not liking me. Either way, in the big picture it can help people grow.
Last week we looked at the Seven Deadly Sins and I mentioned the value of rating sin based on the repercussions, which includes the ick factor. What’s interesting is how different people will have different responses including a few stubbornly claiming, “Sin is sin.” True, but there’s a difference in the repercussion and ick factor like hearing someone had an affair with the secretary (the cliché) versus having an affair with the spouse’s sister, who was the maid of honor at the couple’s wedding because she was also the wife’s best friend – that’s very ick and has some serious repercussions.
Here’s a fun list to consider. On a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the worst thing you can do and 0 being no damage, how bad is:
- A husband secretly watching porn to take the edge off versus a sexually pent up and frustrated husband who ends up yelling at the family because he can’t keep it bottled up anymore?
- A wife reading erotic novels to get in the mood versus to avoid her husband?
- A husband secretly sharing his troubles with an old female friend online versus watching porn a couple times a month?
- A wife flirting with someone to feel attractive versus flirting to manipulate the person into doing what she wants?
- A spouse having a one night stand because they were drunk versus doing it sober?
- A spouse having a secret long term affair because they didn’t want to leave the family versus having an affair as a way to look for a way out of a broken marriage?
- Someone having an affair and feeling terrible about it versus someone who thinks they’re not doing anything wrong because their partner isn’t meeting their needs in some way?
I find this list helpful to consider the bigger picture when getting into a topic that can create some serious anger. It might also be helpful to point out according to one study 69% of American men and 40% of American women viewed porn last year. I’m thinking most of the women watching it were with their partner, but that’s just my guess. These numbers would also be highly affected on whether shows like Outlander or Game of Thrones are considered porn and just have pornographic scenes.
From my experience there are five main reasons someone watches porn:
- Replacement: Some people replace their partner with porn, which is very damaging to the relationship. This is different for people who are single, but watching it while single can lead to bad habits and misguided understanding of what sex looks like in a loving relationship.
- Punishment: Going one step further, this passive aggressive move is rooted in spite and is a “Screw you,” in some way. Any revenge move is incredibly mean.
- A Coping Mechanism: Like drinking, some people look to porn as a way to numb their pain. It’s not a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s better than it being a form of punishment to the partner. People in this category are hurt and should be given a little more grace because hurting them for watching it will only lead to them watching it more. Why? Because it’s their coping mechanism.
- A Top Up: Some people have higher sex drives than their partner, and after making sure the partner’s needs are met, this person will privately top off their drive. This can include a time when the partner is out of commission like during the woman’s period.
- A Quick, Cheap Thrill (or way to make sure it still works down there): This area becomes a growing choice for guys who get older and are feeling worn out from work and taking care of the kids. A lot of modern fathers give up playing sports and seeing friends because they’re too busy helping their kids and they just want to feel a quick thrill in order to feel something beyond physical and emotional exhaustion.
Can you see the difference in these options? A couple of the reasons are pretty terrible while a few others don’t seem so bad. If someone is trying to stop looking at porn or wondering if they should, it’s good to consider which category they’re in because a lot of addiction behaviors are more a heart issue.
The idea of addiction leads to an interesting question. In AA there are two main types of alcoholics: the frequent drinker and the binge drinker. You could argue this is the case for watching porn. It’s an addiction if it’s done too often or if it’s done once and it leads to a binging experience. Based on this logic, casually looking at porn for 15 minutes a couple times a month isn’t addiction. Of course, to some, any use of it is addiction. Ultimately, I believe it’s up to the person to decide the ruling on that.
I should point out that porn affects people differently. Some people have great memories and the images get stuck in their heads, which can cause further issues. Other people are in it and done. Some people will be thinking about it all day while others only at specific times. I’ve met couples who had better sex lives when the guy regularly watched porn because it kept them thinking about sex, which translated to more sex with his wife while others will lose interest in their partner if they look at it. It’s not a one size fits all situation. Another big misunderstanding is that any use of porn will create unfair expectations. Depending on the person, it might actually satisfy an embarrassing itch. Some guys want to keep a fantasy a fantasy (like a decent person). For instance, a big thing years ago was threesomes. Maybe a guy likes the idea of seeing two girls kiss, be naked, or want him, but in reality, how many guys would want their wives part of that? There’s a good chance a loving husband wouldn’t want to see their partner in an overtly sexual situation – it’s a fantasy for girls he doesn’t love and respect. Besides, what if she liked kissing the other girl too much? Although that might just be my fear because I was once dumped for a woman… and not because there was a threesome involved. I was just dumped. Sometimes a fantasy is meant to be kept a fantasy. Expectation wise, regardless of someone watching porn or not, it’s important to have healthy discussions of what sex should look like. For instance, on one hand sex is a precious gift we need to respect and use to maintain a healthy marriage and on the other, it’s just sex. You won’t die without it. You can even live a great life without it – it’s a crazy thought I know.
I know some people claim porn is like having an affair, but if you’ve ever been cheated on, it’s not even close: “You looked at a screen and saw a woman you’ll never meet and then skipped to an image of another woman and then another and another because you like seeing a variety of beautiful women?” Considering guys are visually stimulated, it’s not shocking. He’s essentially enjoying beauty – women are beautiful, but that might also be my hetero side coming out. I’m also an art history major, so I’m well aware that pictures of naked people is something that’s been around forever; they used to be in churches (e.g. the Sistine Chapel). We just have better technology than paintings and sculptures. Now compare that to: “You gave your heart to another woman you work with and see every day and someone you could leave me for, which would destroy the family and cause us to have to share the kids at holidays and go through years of fighting and thousands of dollars on lawyers or if you stay means a solid year of rebuilding trust and connection?” Yeah, it’s not even close. If anything, the woman who sees her husband looking at porn should be angry because he was so sloppy he got caught: “Come on, hide it better. I don’t want to know about that.” It’s like going to the bathroom: Don’t leave streaks and turn on a fan.
What I should point out is I’m not advocating for the use of porn. Instead, I want to help people have a healthier view of it because I believe the devil uses porn as a way to hurt good people and keep them down. Guys will beat themselves up after doing it and then when they feel like garbage, what do they do to feel better? Their coping tool. Meanwhile, some women will find their husbands have looked at it and it destroys them, which is very unfair to both sides. This is incredibly unfortunate because if the guy does it for a reason like coping, it has nothing to do with her. It wouldn’t matter what she looked like or who she was, he wanted to reduce feeling his hurt and/or see someone different naked… but we’ll have to continue this idea for next week.
This week may you consider the idea that there are different reasons people do what they do and bad things doesn’t necessarily mean they’re coming from a bad heart.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)