Are you tired of the same old family meal conversations: “This weather is really (insert adjective),” “How did the (insert holiday representative) treat you?” “Did grandpa put his false teeth in the (insert location) again?” I am about to give you the most amazing tool for creating a unique conversation experience at your next big family meal that will forever make it stand out as the most memorable meal you’ve ever had together. This is not something for the faint of heart, but if you want to spice things up this is what you do: When people have started eating and things have settled down to a point where everyone is listening, say one of two things:
- Men who aren’t circumcised are disgusting and need to get that fixed
- Men who are circumcised are less of a man
Just say one of these strongly stated opinions and slip into the shadows; you can even use a different voice if you want, so people won’t know who said it. Circumcision is a topic that strikes a very personal chord with many people, especially men, and the opinions are strongly divided into two distinct camps, which means this is pretty much guaranteed to spark a fight in any small to large group. Years ago my sister-in-law and brother were bragging that they had never had a fight. I jokingly piped in, “I can fix that.” They thought that was funny. Can you believe they doubted me? I then said, “Challenge accepted,” and continued to say “The best way to start a fight is to simply ask if you have a baby boy will you circumcise him or not?” Once I said this, one of them quickly replied, “That’s pretty obvious. Of course we will.” Suddenly, the other one looked over, “What do you mean?” And that began their first fight. I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t brag I was the cause, but I enjoy gloating about it once in awhile, which is totally different… yes, yes it is.
This holiday even if you simply ask a group question like “If I have a boy baby should I circumcise him?” you’re guaranteed a fight. Even if every male in the room is of the same result, there’s always one person who likes to be the devil’s advocate (aka a moron) and take the opposite side just to stir up conversation. Soon there’ll be yelling and tears, which is when, if you really want to make this dinner memorable, fling a spoonful of peas at the second angriest person there and then blame it on the angriest person. Make sure it’s peas because they taste disgusting, and no one will miss them anyway. Plus, flinging peas at someone doesn’t hurt; it’s annoying, which will only fuel the anger more, which will inevitably lead to a family food fight. When you’re happy with the memory you’ve helped create, get everyone’s attention and say: “Hey everyone, I was just joking. I read a blog by a really awesome writer and therapist who is happy to have you book an appointment with him to deal with your anger problems, and clearly you all have anger problems.” If you do this… you will also want to book an appointment with me because you clearly make bad choices, and need some help understanding proper social interaction. This article is meant to be very tongue in cheek. Please be aware that a discussion on circumcision is not appropriate dinner material and that it has been a highly controversial topic since it was first discussed in the Bible. As an interesting note, circumcision or lack thereof was used as an insult in the Old Testament (1 Samuel 14:6) and it was a very debated topic at the beginning of the formation of the Christian Church (Acts 15). I figure the least I can do is leave you with two interesting facts since this article has limited knowledge value. You’re welcome.
This holiday may you enjoy your time with your family, and create discussion using better means than purposefully starting a fight. And, if there is anyone who could use some emotional help feel free to let them know about my articles and therapy services.
Rev. Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people