If you were wondering if I was doing a third week of favourite lines you now have your answer. This is the final installment of fun lines, and I will be back to writing tips for having a healthier and happier life.
May this week help you be excited about the rest of the year.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people
Meeting with the couple I learned a number of things about them like Tom had a beautiful proposal… 11 years ago. Is this considered procrastination?
When I asked what they like to do together, Jan’s response was I like doing things with Tom I can’t say in public… ohh scandalous. I’m repeating this now because that’s just a really fun image for their grown up kids. Bow chicka wow wow… that may be the first time a pastor has quoted that song… ever.
For those of you who don’t know, Erin and Steve started their relationship after meeting at a bar where Erin said “hi I’m Erin” and Steve said “hi I’m Steve” and Erin said (say slowly a bit creepy) “I know”… which is not the response one expects at an introduction. Hello creepy. Erin then explained they had met before because she had worked with his mom at Laura Secord the chocolate store, which is pretty sweet… smart people caught that pun. Polite people laughed because puns are never funny.
During our meetings I learned the couple met on Plenty of Fish. John sent the first message and Amy quickly replied to this handsome man. John in turn wrote back… 3 weeks later… I guess he didn’t want to seem desperate. In his response he asked her if she’d like to go camping alone with him. Smooth. She of course said no because she’s not insane. The best part of their story is John owned a van like a serial killer. With moves like that, how was he single? Still curious about this man of mystery, she’s apparently very brave, Amy suggested going for coffee. They met at 8 and they sat and talked together for two hours. John was so infatuated with her he stayed out until 10pm. Wild man.
One of the first things Mark liked about Amanda is in his words, she danced like a lunatic. Arguably not the best word choice for describing how your partner dances and an even worse pick up line – hey baby you’re hot like a crazy person; I think the insane asylum is here in my arms… Mark currently works for Toyota. The one downside about his job is he says it doesn’t challenge him. To clarify, I asked “Do you mean mentally,” and he said yes. Trying to be funny I then asked, “So you want to be… mentally challenged?” With a straight face he said yes. Apparently I’m not as funny as I want to think. A fun fact I learned is that Amanda is a Zumba instructor, which was started because she saw an infomercial on it and bought the DVD set. That’s the only time I’ve heard an infomercial change someone’s life besides the Shamwow, which should be called a Superwow because it’s… super wow.
One of the things that stood out to me is that you met online. For this time in history this is normal, but what’s not is Ellen didn’t have a picture up on her profile and Adam still messaged her. Who does that? That’s a risk because if someone doesn’t have a picture up there’s normally a reason. I may be a pastor but that doesn’t mean I’m not superficial. When I asked Adam why he messaged her he said she sounded sane… smart man; the fact she was beautiful was just a bonus. That being said, when I asked, the one thing that really helped attract him to her was that she was a soccer mom, which I didn’t realize was a thing for guys: Woo a minivan and orange slices, sexy.
I also learned that Amy is half Portuguese and half Canadian. When I asked are you a more of a Portuguese woman or more Canadian Justin just laughed. I’m not sure what that means. I later said that the trend is that after marriage women tend to get bossier and she looked at Justin and asked “Can I get bossier?” Justin just smiled… he kind of smiled; I’m pretty sure there was fear in his eyes. Again not sure what that means. When they first met, Justin said he didn’t plan on talking to Amy because she was too attractive, so instead, he stared at her… all night. Smooth. Eventually she introduced herself and asked about his Donald Duck impersonation, so he showed her this ability by saying the words “shut up.” Arguably that was a smart move because that was the first and last time he’ll be able to get away with saying that to her. When I asked her impression of him she said I thought he was partially autistic, so arguably not the best introduction. Thus, Justin gives every single guy hope because when people ask him how did you get such a beautiful bride he can say “I stared awkwardly at her all night until she said hi and then, in a Donald Duck voice, I told her to shut up. Wow, and that worked? When you’re this cool it does. Fortunately, Justin quickly proved his worth as he introduced Amy to Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, which means he’s made her a better woman.
The most amazing thing I learned is that Pat and Liz were originally friends, so Pat gives every single guy hope because he was able to break out of the friend zone. He’s like Superman. When I asked why someone should marry him he said he can cook – nice – he’s good with kids – bonus – and then he said “I want to say it’s because I’m good in bed.” Nobody likes a guy who snores so being good in bed makes sense… I’m assuming that’s what he meant.
As great as today is the couple said they are more excited about the honeymoon… huhn huhn… cuz you know they’re going to Disney World. A place that makes having dogs look way better than having kids, and even better, it helps Canadians who think they’re overweight feel skinny. Thank you Americans. What was cute was the first time we met they were wearing matching Disney shirts. They said they don’t normally do this, but either way, it doesn’t make them cool. They’re candidates for future awkward family photo moments.
What was funny to me is Lori said that Dustin is a mini version of his dad, which means on some level she must think his dad is sexy… way to go Mr. Smith. At the same time, Dustin claims that he’s like a 12 year old… fortunately he’s not actually a 12 year old because that would make today a bit of a problem.
One of the reasons we are here is to celebrate Amanda changing her last name, Flint, which is a name that makes her sound like a piece of rock you use to start a fire, or she’s the name of a city in Michigan that is… less than perfect. Amanda will now be an Atlee, which will make her name sound like an email address: Amanda@Lee.com. You may not have laughed at that, but you’ll now think that every time you hear their last name… @Lee.com… that is clever.
It turns out this couple has been together longer than any couple I’ve done a wedding for as they have been on and off since they were 7. This was a big year for them because it was also the year they first saw each other naked… oooh… don’t worry it was consensual and apparently pleasing enough… which is pretty gross to say. The best part of the story is Amanda brought this up when they reunited 9 years ago. Apparently at 7 Jim made quite the impression. He was a boy, but he was still the man. In fact, Jim is so much man today, he doesn’t have stinky armpits no matter how much he sweats. He’s like a superhero. Arguably not the best superhero power for fighting crime: Who are you? I’m Body-Odor-Free-man; I save 4 dollars every couple months on deodorant. For those of you who don’t believe me, after the ceremony there will be a free smell test.
An interesting fact is the couple has 3 dogs, 4 cats, a bird, a rabbit and Amanda said she wants a donkey. She wants a donkey and she’s marrying Jim… that joke writes itself.