Maybe you’re like me, but I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger, especially back when I was starting as a youth pastor almost 20 years ago. (I just choked hard after realizing how long it’s been.) As a therapist I’m supposed to be a professional at dealing with conflict, but back then I felt like a professional at making conflict. No matter how hard I tried or how nice I acted, I couldn’t help but end up disappointing someone in some way, and it drove me crazy. The joys of leadership: What helps one person will upset another, so there’s always someone unhappy. The best advice I could’ve used back then was simply don’t try to make people happy. Does that sound messed up? Probably, but it’s actually wise. For one, quite often what’s best for people isn’t what makes us happy in the moment. It’s like a parent telling their child they need to go to bed when they’d rather play. What’s good for us isn’t typically what we “feel” like doing, which means leaders are always going to have pushback even if what they’re doing is for the best (or the pushback can be a sign they’re doing something wrong). And two, as I’ve been learning this year and a bit: people suck – not everyone, but a lot of people (I’m sure you can think of a few). If someone sucks, why should I worry about making them happy? My focus should be on making sure good people see the value in what I’m doing. If a good person isn’t happy, I should rethink what I’m doing, but that still doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Sometimes good people make bad choices or they see an alternative option that they would’ve gone with, but that doesn’t mean the other choice was wrong – it’s just different.
I would’ve been so much better off when I was a youth pastor if I could even had present-me to ask for advice, especially since I had no one (although no one is better than a bad someone). Fortunately, even though I was left muddling my way through the experience of leadership, I still had some solid moments. What’s funny to me is I was 26 when I started as a youth pastor and continued to learn a lot through my thirties when I transitioned into being a full time psychotherapist, which means I laugh when twenty year olds think they know everything about leadership and/or relationships. They can have great ideas, but wise young people seek the wisdom of wiser older people. Why learn the hard way what you can learn from someone else’s experience?
One of my wisest moments as a youth pastor came in my last official summer, which was the third summer I had in my second church. As often the case, one of my best moments came out of someone else’s worst – thank you to them? But a little back story. After I was let go from my first church because they couldn’t afford me, my plan was to find whatever job I could and then continue to run my group for free, but then God gave me a different offer. What’s crazy is I struggled for months to find work and then on the same day within a few hours I had a job offer from another church, Dofasco, and the LCBO. The latter would’ve been hilarious for me to work at since I’ve never had alcohol: (customer) “What’s good?” (me) “Sobriety.” To add to the craziness, I only heard about the church job from the former youth pastor who had stepped down because he was getting divorced – yea? My door was opened because someone else had a terrible experience, which is a reminder that God can work things out when people make bad choices. I met the former youth pastor once for a couple minutes two years before during my Masters of Theology when a girl in my class was telling me how she never watched Star Wars or Harry Potter because they were from the devil and I politely listened in confusion and curiosity.
Side note: It’s good to listen to other people’s ideas in order to learn a different perspective (even if they sound nuts), but it’s never worth arguing against them (especially if they’re nuts) because you won’t suddenly change their opinion, especially if they’re so nutty they claim something like Star Wars is evil without any real knowledge about it. All the Star Wars movies outside of the original three might be terrible, but they’re not evil (an opinion not worth trying to convince me is wrong).
During this bizarre conversation, the former youth pastor (then just a student) happened to pass by and she introduced me to him. A few years later, while I was looking for work, I randomly bumped into him at a public library I never go to and he suggested I apply to his former position since he had just stepped down and they weren’t having much luck finding anyone – desperation is my friend. This situation is a good reminder that it pays to be open to meeting new people because you never know what the future can bring (and to be nice to nutty people because they might have good connections).
When I started at the church they were used to the youth pastor doing Sunday School and then overseeing an every other Friday night get together run by a volunteer that had between eight and ten people show up. A few people were thrilled I had a group come with me to the church while a few vocal people really didn’t (you can’t make everyone happy), but for my close to four years there I ran Sunday School, Monday dodgeball night for 20-40 people, a Friday night event with 10-65 people, and a Sunday documentary night for young adults for 10-25 people. When I was hired, the pastor team of a husband and wife wanted me to be in the office from 9am to noon, Tuesday to Friday. I regularly showed up ten minutes after nine and stayed until 1 or 2. I wasn’t meeting anyone, so I wasn’t worried about being on time, especially since I typically hid in my little office (aka a former walk-in closet) until the pastors left at noon, which is when I’d chat with the secretary and finish up anything I was working on. In the third year of my time at the church I was hired as a supply teacher and the pastors agreed I could reduce showing up to the office to two days a week in order to make more money than the $16/hr for 35 hours a week I was making (yea poverty). You don’t do ministry for the money… or the prestige… or to be liked (a lesson I learned later).
In my third summer there I was given the opportunity to go to Europe with my wife (then girlfriend) with the annual summer trip my sister ran for her high school graduates. My wife had to come home four days before everyone else because she had to get back to work and I joined her partly to be with her and partly because I had booked a retreat for the weekend I returned home – brilliant. Unlike most youth groups that took a break in the summer, I amped it up because summer is the best time for making deeper connections. On top of my normal weekly events, I ran a community garage sale for the church, a weekend camping trip, and a biennial week long mission trip. For some reason that summer I felt led to run one camping trip in July and another in August, which was a week before taking a group on a week and a half mission trip to San Francisco. Why did I do this? Because I found the trips had the greatest impact for the group… and they were personally very rewarding for me (I wasn’t a saint). This was also my first summer not doing summer school for one of my Master’s Degrees, so I guess I felt like filling in the time. I’ve written about being a workaholic before, and my summer schedule should prove that point because I’m writing this and thinking, “Why’d I do so much?”
The other key detail to this story is the husband pastor was going through a very difficult health problem and he was not himself. Two days after I returned from my trip I was called into his office. Are you thinking, “That doesn’t sound like a good thing”? You’d be correct. I’ve never had anyone yell at me louder and be visually angrier at me. It was like everything going wrong in his life had been bubbling up and he snapped causing him to unload all of his fear and hurt onto me. How bad was it? The secretary could hear everything very clearly and she was in tears. After my verbal lashing, the pastor left and the secretary told me if she had been yelled at like that she would never have returned to the church. It was so intense I would say it fell in the category of verbal and emotional abuse. And what did I do that deserved such a lashing? He hated that I came 10 minutes “late” into the office on top of thinking I didn’t put in the 35 hours a week I was paid to do. The conclusion was I had to come in on time and record how many hours I was working for the foreseeable future.
Now why did I call this lesson “Nice is worth it”? First, in my “discussion” with the pastor I didn’t defend myself like I struggle not to do with my wife. I essentially just took it, which helped reduce the potential for the fight getting bigger and dumber. I was nice enough to just let him get his emotion out – the positive way of looking at just taking it. Considering how much I hate being yelled at, I’m impressed with younger myself for handling it so well. That being said, my wife having a hint of anger would bother me so much more because a wife is personal and this was a guy with whom I had little connection. I was able to be nice by not taking it personally because I knew he wasn’t himself; his health issues were a major factor in this event. Probably the best thing I did, however, was be nice to myself. I didn’t beat myself up after or second guess everything I had done; I knew it was him and not me. It also helped that at that point in my life I was more confident in myself than I had ever been, so it was easier to take the mistreatment and not take it personally – timing is important. For confidence, it’s wise to remember your strengths since it helps you feel stronger. For instance, at that point I was 33 years old, I had seven years church leadership experience under me (plus seven years as a volunteer) and I had just graduated with my third Masters Degree when the pastor only had a three year diploma from a Bible College that spent half the time focused on social issues. He might have been the pastor, but I wasn’t a child anymore even though I was still often treated like one because I was a “youth” pastor and not an actual pastor. I was never smug with him about this, but it helped me be nicer to myself. Even better, I was great at my job. I was actually thrilled at the idea of handing in my weekly hours. Over the next month and a half I had the two camping trips and a mission trip, which meant I had three weeks with 75 hours each with my slowest week being 55 hours. Even when supply teaching started back up, I never had less than 55 hours in a week devoted to the church. Being able to prove him wrong with the work I did (without trying to pad my hours) was better than the smartest comeback. He never apologized, but he eventually stopped asking for my hours.
When I was let go from the church eight months later because they couldn’t afford me (I’m bad luck for churches), I left on good terms and I held no bitterness toward him. After that incident, the pastor started physically healing and he was naturally better, which is why it helps to consider if someone’s anger is connected to external factors like hunger, tiredness, sickness, etc. He also felt better knowing I wasn’t cheating the church. Considering he regularly said people don’t know how much work goes on behind the scenes as a pastor you’d think he would’ve been better at understanding how much work I was doing. On the plus side, he helps prove the answer to the question: Why should you be nice? Because you can be made to look like a fool. If he was nice, he would’ve simply asked me about my hours rather than assuming the worst of me. Thinking I was cheating the church is pretty insulting. He also should’ve simply said, “Can I make a request? An you please try to be on time,” if my being ten minutes late for nothing bothered him so much. He really could’ve used present me to help him (not that he was would’ve used me).
Looking back on those times I think my past self was nuts for doing so much, but at the same time I see those days as the most exciting and rewarding time in my life. Being uncomfortable helped me grow. My only wish is knowing where I’d end up because I could’ve enjoyed the journey a lot more. As a planner, trying to enjoy the journey is probably my biggest weakness, but hopefully I have a few years to work on that.
This week may you consider how being nice can prevent you from looking dumb as well as help you be in a better position when someone is upset with you.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)