Being nice isn’t always clear cut. It can actually be confusing, and if you start thinking about whether something is nice or not, it’s easy to over think the variables (thereby not being nice to yourself). But let’s consider some options to demonstrate what I mean. The other week I was writing a wedding ceremony. I’m very clear with potential clients I make personalized ceremonies that include a section of jokes about them like how they met and what they do for fun that’s similar to a Jay Leno monologue. Since COVID, brides have proven to be different. To be extra safe, I now send a video of a ceremony I did where the DJ and photographer both said it was the greatest thing they’d ever seen to make sure people are clear about what I do. Fun fact, I’ve only recently started doing this, and maybe one in four people get back to me unless they’re older and/or it’s their second marriage and then they always choose me. This has worked out because I’ve needed to reduce the number of weddings I do (or it could be taken as an insult if I was being mean to myself). Five years ago I peaked at 35 weddings in a year – it was insane. This year I’ve cut it down to 12 including doing the first ever wedding at Tim Hortons Field, which was pretty cool. Since 12 has still felt too much, I need to be nice to my future self and cut that down even more for next year. Sometimes being nice means planning for the future in a fair way.
The other week I was writing a ceremony, and I said to my wife, “I have this joke I really like, but I won’t be able to use it.” I told her the joke and she replied, “Yea, you definitely can’t use that.” If you’re curious, here it is: “The groom said he has to shower every night because he doesn’t like going to bed dirty. For the bride’s sake, however, I hope he’s willing to get dirty in bed… know what I mean?” Being married, sex is biblically mandated: “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.” (1 Cor 7:3), but I’m guessing you’ve joined the consensus: “Yea, you can’t say that joke in a ceremony.” Because I thought the groom would like it and I didn’t want it to go to waste, I emailed it to him. He loved it and wanted me to use it, but I needed to be nice to myself and the other more prudish guests, so I didn’t. Besides, I had lots of other safer jokes, so it was fine. After that wedding (which went really well), I came up with another joke I liked for the next ceremony, but didn’t think I should use. I mentioned it to my wife and this time she replied, “What’s wrong with it?” I later mentioned it to my sister and she was appalled I even came up with it. So what joke caused that response? “In high school the bride worked at Dairy Queen, so she could say she was the Dairy Queen… or maybe that’s what she became after having a baby… that’s a nursing joke – classy. That’s not the best joke, but the next time you see a woman nursing you’ll be thinking: “There’s a Dairy Queen,” which is better than saying, “There’s the Dairy Ogre; I’m Princess Fiona.” I’m guessing you had the same opinion as my sister, but why was my wife okay with it? She’s currently nursing and it’s a normal part of her life, so it’s relatable whereas my sister’s never had kids, so it’s a more sacred experience you shouldn’t joke about. What’s nice in this situation? Laughter is a gift and this is potentially the biggest laugh I’d receive in the ceremony, but it has the potential to upset a few people. So do you say the joke because it’ll make someone’s day even though there’s a chance it’ll upset someone else? That’s the challenge of comedy and why my people pleaser side prevented me from fully pursuing it. I’m such a pleaser, I even had to fight beating myself up for my sister’s very strong reaction. For the record beating, ourselves up is never part of being nice; it makes you a bully to yourself.
What’s nice is confusing… unless you just blindly go with what you’re told. For instance, God gave Moses the 10 Commandments and number six is don’t murder. That’s pretty clear. Shortly after that, however, God told the Israelites to go into the Promised Land and wipe everyone out, men, women, children, and animals. What? Didn’t God just say don’t murder, but now He wants mass genocide? It doesn’t say, but I’m sure most of the Israelites didn’t question this request as some would simply say: “I must do what God says,” while others were ecstatic: “I hate not being able to murder… wait, did you just say I need to murder stuff? Best day ever!” Presently, we live in very different times, and God doesn’t tell people to murder others (hopefully that doesn’t disappoint you), but this story proves what’s nice isn’t always clear: Do I obey to be nice or is it nicer to disobey and not murder?
Earlier in the summer there was a great article in the newspaper about someone that helps illustrate the confusing nature of being nice really well while also being an inspiration to be nicer.
When Steve Townsend was born in 1974, the doctors didn’t expect him to make it through the night, but after an emergency surgery they managed to keep him alive. That was the first of 111 surgeries he would experience including surgeries on his brain, back, and hips. The winner, however, was his kidneys, which alone had required 40 surgeries. Being born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus, life would never be easy (but at least he was born in Canada where the surgeries were an option). When Steve was five, however, something wonderful happened. While getting fitted for leg braces, he met the physician for the Hamilton Tiger Cat who happened to be at the hospital visiting a player, and he arranged for Steve and his Mom to attend the next game. Being at the stadium and seeing the game changed Steve’s life. It gave him joy (and distraction) like nothing else. After the game, his mom bought seasons tickets and he only missed four games in the next 44 years. Part of this dedication was inspired by the Ticat staff who were very kind to them. They even let Steve and his mom watch practices, which is where they started meeting the players. This included meeting Grover Covington in his rookie year. They ended up promising to bake him a cake every time he sacked a quarterback. How were they supposed to know he would end up making a CFL record and need to make him 157 cakes (or maybe that was part of the inspiration – cake).
Steve and his mom are considered two of the biggest Ticat fans the team has ever had and became like family to many players past and present. How does that happen? It started with an observation by Steve near Thanksgiving that a lot of the players were far from home and wouldn’t have somewhere to go to share a family meal. Steve was allowed to invite these players over for the holiday and with his help, his mom fed 15-20 players a home-cooked meal. After a few years this event grew too big for their little house, so they made a meal at home and then transported it (including 12 different kinds of pie) to the stadium where they’d set up picnic tables outside of the dressing room. Even this grand gesture soon wasn’t enough for Steve and his mom’s generous hearts, and they started putting out food for the players after many practices on top of making special treats for people like Danny McManus. After they heard he ate a Skor bar before a game, they started making him Skor cookies – you could say that’s a sweet score (if you’re a dad).
So what kind of a job would you need in order to be this generous? A lawyer or successful entrepreneur who can write off all the food as a tax expense? Nope. She was a cafeteria lady who sold AVON on the side. A friend of mine actually worked where she was in the cafeteria and he said she lived a very humble lifestyle (partly because she had to). Generosity is a wonderful thing, but when it’s done with a loving heart, it’s inspiring. Steve’s mom is a great example of knowing how powerful it can be to be generous for both others and ourselves while also finding the line for not going overboard and hurting herself – generosity needs a limit. And how was this generosity reciprocated? After the 1999 championship game, Steve was brought into the dressing room to celebrate with the players and even ended up holding the Grey Cup. That’s pretty awesome. Even more, six years later Steve was on life support because of his kidneys, and McManus joined Steve’s mom at the hospital. When McManus was asked if he was family, he said yes and then sat beside his “brother” for several hours into the night.
In 2024, at the age of 49, Steve was paralyzed from the waist down. Scoliosis made it hard for him to be on his back and tubes going to his kidneys made it hard to be on his stomach. To make it worse, difficulties getting in and out of his wheelchair caused him to spend most of his time in his bed. He was in such bad shape he was no longer able to get to the stadium to see his adopted family. Instead, he was forced to watch the games from his bedroom, which isn’t the same. That meant the two things that helped Steve cope with all of his pain and struggles, being with his Ticat family and being generous, were taken away from him. To top it off, after six biopsies, it was determined the large growth on his neck was in fact a tumor and the doctors couldn’t agree if anything could be done about it. Either way, Steve claimed to have had enough and decided to take control of his own life and body by scheduling assisted suicide for July 16, 2024.
Having watched the five year old boy grow up to be a 49 year old man, Grover Covington said, “I’m just not ready for July 16.” That day has come and gone, and after the final in-person goodbyes, there was a funeral and the man who inspired many was laid to rest.
I know assisted suicide is a very controversial topic (it’s so controversial I’m keeping my own opinion to myself), but this story begs the question: What is nice? Is it nicer to let someone end their life leaving survivors heavy grief or is it better to force the person to stay alive despite their pain and lack of quality of life in order to delay the grief? I once heard a story where someone chose to keep a family member on life support alive even though it was against the sick person’s wishes. Later, that person was full of regret and shame for causing the one they loved’s suffering to continue. I’ve also heard people say how horrible it is saying good-bye to someone knowing they were going into another room to die. What’s nice? Is it a firm rule or are there exceptions? Who should be allowed to make the decision, the person suffering, their loved ones, or the government?
Regardless of your answer, what we need to do to be nice to ourselves is try to find something for which to be thankful. Many years ago my dad suddenly passed away from a heart attack. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, but I didn’t have to watch him suffer or see a proud man become frail. When someone passes from cancer, you face the pain of watching their decline, but you can say goodbye and there’s a chance to put the person’s affairs in order while they’re still alive. Good can be found in both paths, but both paths suck. Whatever the cause of death, we will be left with a scar on hearts and forced to face the hollow absence. Being nice to ourselves means letting ourselves and others grieve in order to find whatever healing can be found, and doing whatever we can to not make the situation worse for our future selves.
Side Note: What I love so much about this story is how Steve never wallowed in his ailments. He found ways to give and have value. He wasn’t just a “mascot” allowed to be at games out of sympathy. Regardless of how you see the end of his life, Steve is an inspiration for what it means to be nice, which includes pushing ourselves to be more than just victims. Steve and his mom found a way to be participants and ultimately demonstrated what it meant to be part of a family.
Side Note about the Moses story: The people God wanted the Israelites to kill had become so evil God chose to put them down. Unlike Sodom and Gomorrah where He wiped out the land Himself, God wanted the Israelites to be participants and not just be handed the Promised Land, which they had been waiting for since God originally promised it to Abraham about 400 years before. Back then, however, it was written the people weren’t evil enough to be wiped out, but God knew the path they were on. That being said, as we can learn in the story of Jonah, back when God directly punished people if a city repented and turned things around, God would spare them, but these people were that far gone. Ultimately, the fact God used to be more directly hands-on with life and death versus today where He’s more hands-off (He doesn’t wipe people out as punishment anymore) God’s “niceness” has changed. God is consistently “nice,” (He’s without sin), but what “nice” looks like can be different.
This week may you consider what it means to be nice.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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