In the last lesson I looked at how we need to be careful not to enable bad behavior. Some of the worst culprits of this are parents. To begin, I should make a distinction between enabling and spoiling. A friend of mine said that when she lived at home as an adult, her dad would make sure her car was full of gas and warmed up ready for her to take to work every morning. Even after she got married and lived away from home, when he was alive, he would go to her work when it snowed to brush it off – that’s pretty crazy. To me, that’s not coddling; that’s spoiling (her husband would agree). Her dad was retired and caring for her car gave him a sense of purpose. What frustrates her husband more than anything isn’t that she was spoiled; it’s how intense her work ethic and generosity are. She is constantly at the edge of burnout from all she does. She was definitely not enabled. Enabling is when a parent coddles their child so much they handicap the child’s emotional development and prevents any real work ethic from growing. My friend wasn’t coddled; she was spoiled. She was raised to have unfair expectations of what’s normal, and the same spoiling behavior her dad gave her, she does for most of the people in her life – she took it next level.
When I used to read celebrity biographies, a common problem was the rich person not knowing how to help their kids have a hunger for more – they already had it all. We need a hunger to have drive to work and improve ourselves. When parents provide everything for their kids, they prevent their kids from having the hunger they need to grow. Thus, sometimes the best provision is giving nothing (as counterintuitive as that may sound). A teenager is supposed to want to change the world and not just expect the world to cater to them. What’s depression? Not having a drive. What’s anxiety? Not realizing how strong we are because we either haven’t done anything or we downplay our successes. Ever wonder why mental illness seems to be a growing problem with young people when there’s more awareness of it? They’re not pushed to do things. That’s also why most young people with so-called mental illness end up with worse mental illness – others are too easy on them: (coddling parent) “Don’t push yourself to do that; it’s too stressful. Just relax and remain helpless so I can take care of you and feel like I have purpose.” A teenager struggling would be better off being angry at the parent – anger is often a cure for anxiety and depression. Make someone angry and there’s suddenly a drive and less fear.
A young person is supposed to have a hunger that propels them into doing bigger things (or anything) because they want to make a mark on the world. Even if they don’t want to “change” the world, there should be a desire to make money in order to be independent. Instead, we as a culture have neutered our children. As the old saying goes: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. We’ve created a world where it’s “You should expect to be handed fish, so you don’t have to feel stress. Your parents should be caring for you the rest of your lives. Their sense of purpose is more important than yours.”
I’ve met a number of parents who don’t want their teenagers working because they think the teens should be focusing on school. Unfortunately, this well-intentioned idea is handicapping their children. There’s a reason the saying is “If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.” The best thing for a teenager is to have a job as it forces them to learn how to manage their time, gather work experience, make friends outside of their school group, gain a sense of value, develop different skills, and learn the joys of making money. If you want your kids to have depression, don’t let them work because then they’ll have lots of time to over think and feel useless because they’re not doing anything to feel independent. What really gets me is when I hear parents of twenty year olds claiming their kids are still so young. When I was a kid, a lot of my friend’s had parents who were married at 18 and had kids by 20. Young people are more capable than a lot of parents give them credit for. From what I’ve heard, moms are at the greatest risk of coddling because their nurturing side makes them want to help, especially since it gives them purpose. Unfortunately, as kids grow we need to find purpose in other endeavors. As one dad told me: “I went from being needed to suddenly being unnecessary and having all this free time I forgot how to use.”
The parent child relationship is supposed to be reciprocal. A parent is meant to provide what they can to help their child grow and become a contributing member of society who can be responsible enough to have the option of having their own kids. A parent’s job is NOT to make the child happy. It feels good to see them smile, but that’s not supposed to be an all the time experience. Similarly, a child should want to make their parent smile once in awhile. Where a parent is supposed to help provide opportunities for the child to grow, a child’s job is to work at making their parents proud. A parent shouldn’t always be proud – that should be earned. I’ve heard young people say, “Of course my parents are proud of me,” but I was thinking, “Are you sure? You don’t do anything worth being proud of.”
A family is supposed to have the balance of the nurturer, “Are you okay?” and the pusher, “You’re fine. Brush it off.” Kids need this balance. The normal pattern is the mom is the nurturer and the dad is “Ehn, you’re fine.” That being said, there are exceptions. My mom was born in 1947 and her dad was more the nurturer and her mom was the pusher. It doesn’t matter who takes which role, but it’s important for there to be both roles. This is why being a single parent is so difficult. How do you find the balance? This is also why a lot of current families scare me so much – there isn’t balance. The number one complaint I hear from dads is their wives won’t let them discipline the kids. Their wives are dominating the house and the kids are growing up enabled and weak. Women are wonderful, but they’re not better than men or always right. We’re different in how we think, but we’re equally valuable. We need a balance of both influences, nurturer a pusher. Sometimes we need a little more nurturer and other times we need a little more pusher, but both are always necessary for optimal results.
The school system also needs this same balance of nurturer and pusher. It used to be the teacher was the nurturer and the principal was the pusher and going to the office was terrifying, but now it seems everyone like wants to be the nurturer. No one wants to be the authority figure (or they’re not allowed).
Now returning to the original point: How do you give your child a hunger? Simply put: Don’t give them what they want. When I was a kid I begged my parents for an allowance, but they said no. So what was the result? Did I feel unloved? No, I was sometimes angry that I didn’t get what I want – a healthy experience. By grade seven, I was cutting grass for a neighbor I continued doing for eight years. By grade eight I was also working at a farm selling and picking strawberries and raspberries. My parents didn’t give me everything I wanted because they knew what I needed – hunger.
One of the worst things parents can do is pay for their child’s phone: (parent) “But it’s for their safety!” No it’s not. When’s the last time a cell phone saved a kid’s life? It’s more likely to hurt them than help them, especially if they walk and text. Parents give their kid a phone because they don’t want to hear the kid complain, they worry about looking bad like a parent, or they want instant access to their child (which is gross). If we want to be a good parent, we will encourage our kids to work to pay for it themselves. A phone isn’t a right; it’s a privilege, and it’s a privilege that will be better appreciated if it’s earned.
Years ago I taught a lesson on what I call the Simon Cowell Effect. When he first starred on American Idol, Paula Abdul was super nice to everyone while he was a jerk (I’m still not sure if he was playing that up). Who do you think contestants wanted to impress, Simon or Paula? Simon. Paula was nice to everyone, so she was generally ignored. Why is being too easy on your kids a bad choice (besides it ruining your kids)? They’ll take you for granted. I’m not saying be a jerk, but by expecting a reciprocal relationship with your kids they’ll appreciate you more and find more meaning in the rare moments of approval they receive.
What’s one of the best piece of advice I can give for parents of teenagers: Have clear rules you enforce, and trust your kids to figure things out; don’t treat them like they’re incompetent even if it means they fall on their face a few times. In the long run, it’ll be a blessing. Oh, and no matter what you do, you’re going to screw your kids up in some way, so relax. Do your part (i.e. try to show them how to live properly) and let them do theirs (i.e. give them the appropriate space for their age to figure out what living properly means within healthy boundaries).
This week may you consider how overly nice people are ruining our world.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)