The therapy company I work for recently celebrated their twenty-fifth anniversary and they asked me to do a 5-10 minute speech… yeah, I don’t know what they were thinking either. At the beginning of the evening, a friend asked me if I was ready, and my response was “Well, I grew three canker sores to prepare for this.” They thought I was joking – nope. I then explained that’s my body’s stress response. My body is so generous. Fortunately, it could’ve been worse. When I peak with stress, I grow a sty in my eye – it’s delightful: “I’m really stressed about this thing I have to do. I’m so glad my body is making me look like a freak and causing unnecessary pain.” I was grateful I didn’t achieve that next level of stress, but three cankers definitely isn’t great: “I feel so alive from the pain!”
The last time I had achieved several sties (not just one and with a couple cankers thrown in for fun) was when I was asked to be both the officiant and best man at a friend’s wedding several years ago. My two interviews with the couple were the only times I had met my friend’s fiancé. Not only were we in the thick of the COVID shutdown, but I had only seen my friend a handful of times in the previous five years leading up to the wedding because life had taken us in different directions. Not only were people’s social skills at an all-time low because of the shutdown, I had recently had a very scarring wedding situation where the maid of honor yelled five minutes into the wedding: “Enough with the jokes already. Get to the point!” To top it off, my friend and his fiancé gave me the worst interview answers I’ve ever had to work with and I couldn’t use personal stories to fill the gaps; why? Because I also had to give a best man speech. With all of these factors, I was stressed – very stressed; two sties and three cankers stressed. To make matters worse, it was supposed to be an outdoor ceremony, but right before it began the rain started. After everything was moved under the tent, people were now damp and uncomfortable. It was a worst case scenario for performing a funny ceremony that was already one of the least funny I’ve ever written. Fortunately, later in the night, the best man speech I gave ended up being one of the best received speeches I’ve ever given. It was incredible. What’s interesting is leading up to it I worried the speech would flop. That’s the problem with public speaking; it doesn’t matter how good a speech or speaker is; it’s ultimately all about the audience. With someone like me, the audience has about 80% of the power. With a great stand-up comedian (who is likely ADHD and hyper focused when they perform), it’s reversed. Because I don’t have the same hyper focus (and I have a strong people pleaser side), when I’m speaking my brain’s constantly evaluating how things are being received. If there’s ever a moment when people don’t laugh like I expect, I can internally panic – that’s fun. Guess why I didn’t pursue stand-up.
Reading that I can get cankers and sties in my eyes from stress, someone might be thinking, “As a therapist shouldn’t you have better control of your stress levels?” That’s a great question imaginary person. I’d argue no. Let’s consider a few things:
- Stress is a gift; it’s a natural body response to situations where there is a lot of pressure for an approaching moment (like a speech) or it’s a weight that’s carried without an end in sight (like for a parent trying to balance everything).
- Stress is made worse with anxiety (i.e. fear of what could be). Anxiety can also be a very healthy experience, but it doesn’t mean it’s fun.
- Sometimes you need to feel stressed (and get cankers) because it’s a stressful situation and you need to simply push through it.
- Stress and anxiety are both meant to motivate us to work hard and not bury our head (aka procrastinate).
- Stress doesn’t like to be ignored or suppressed, so it will feel worse if we don’t acknowledge it.
Here are three simple questions that you can use for stress (like I did):
- How much stress do you feel? 0———-10
- How much stress should you feel? 0———-10
- Why?
The first two scales are very important for recognizing whether you’re making a situation bigger than it needs to be or not. For my recent speech, I would say I was an 8 going into it and, based on my personality and life experience, I was the right amount of stress for me. Not only was that level good at making sure I put the work into the speech I needed to be as fully prepared as possible, I know I have one speaking event a year where I feel gross after whether I bombed or felt like I did. I wish I didn’t have that pattern, but it’s been there since early elementary school.
Why would I be so stressed? Because I don’t trust people. It’s that simple. I see my work colleagues maybe a couple times a year, so if I tanked, for the rest of my time at my company, that’s what people would think of when they saw me: “He’s the guy who embarrassed himself.” As a people pleaser that’s tough, but as someone who needs the front staff to like and trust him because they control who gets clients, bombing up front could affect my career. What’s the best case scenario? I’ll help give people a great night. What’s the worst case? I could ruin my reputation, and as Robert DeNiro says about a reputation in Stardust:“A lifetime to build; seconds to destroy.” What was the likely case? It was a wildcard. It was 80% based on the audience. I had little control. (Tip: asking what’s the best, worst, and likely case can be very helpful when addressing anxiety and/or making a decision).
I was originally asked a month before the event if I’d give a funny speech about why people become therapists, and my immediate reply was: “That’s a terrible idea!” but I didn’t send it. Instead, I went with: “Thank you for thinking of me. I’ll get back to you early next week with an answer.” (It’s always good to give a timeline.) Over the next few days I tried to think of any possible ideas that wouldn’t offend people (something I’m always at risk of doing with my personality). Unfortunately (or fortunately), I came up with an angle that could work and I agreed to do it. Funny enough, what I used in my speech answers some of the questions for why this speech was so stressful for someone who has a history of giving good speeches:
I have worked for Bayridge for 13 years… and they have never let me speak in front of a group like this… you’re likely starting to see why. I’m not sure if they forgot why they don’t have me speak or they realized I’m a win-win. If I’m good – win. If I’m terrible… the people giving a speech after me will look fanta-bulous… big win. We’re about to see what kind of win we’re in for today – exciting. MGM Bets are being accepted. The only real risk is my wife being embarrassed, but that was guaranteed. It happens whenever I’m allowed out in public. So you know what kind of person I am, my wife jokes she had to marry a therapist and I joke that I made her need one. That’s a full circle right there; she doesn’t have benefits that pay for therapy so she’s stuck with me. No divorce in my future.
I should point out for the last five years I have been working from home… and it hasn’t affected my social skills at all (awkward laugh). I work alone all day… on a computer… in the basement. I am the definition of a basement troll. I’m one step away from doing something really weird like growing a beard or wearing a bowtie (a friend was wearing a bowtie).
For tonight I was asked to do something funny for why people become therapists. If you know anything about comedy you’ll know that if you try to be funny (shake head) it’s not going to go well, especially since many therapists take themselves very seriously, so I don’t want to be insulting… to just them. I need to spread it out – 5 years in a basement.
I will say I’m not sure why therapists take themselves so seriously. We’re really just an educated mom and our clients are our children: Yes, you are good enough… if you lower your expectations. And yes, you are smart enough… but you make terrible choices. And dog-gone-it people like you… or I’m sure you can find someone crazy enough to like you and won’t charge $150-200 an hour to listen to you.
So instead of a normal speech, we’re going to do some role play… oh yeah; for the record, role play is something I never do with my clients – that’s weird; it’s also something I never do with my wife – that’s even weirder: “Let’s pretend we’re not us, so we might be attracted to each other.” “I’m a fireman, let me put out the fire in your loins… sorry basement troll moment.” I say be normal; have your wife close her eyes and pretend you’re Captain America or Thor; that’s how it’s done… I think my wife is going to need some free therapy after this; my work is never done.
Like my best man speech, this would also land in the box of one of the best received speeches I’ve ever given. After writing the many ideas I had, the actual speech, practicing the speech without the words to see if any spontaneous new ideas could come out, and then the actual speech, I was ready to do the speech… kind of. Moments before I was supposed to go up I was fighting this intense urge in my body to beg the MC to cancel me. I really don’t trust people.
The truth is if I hadn’t been practising healthy habits I would’ve had at least one sty. What does healthy habits look like?
- I used my stress and anxiety to fuel my work and get the creative juices flowing.
- I started working on it right away in order to be able to take breaks from it.
- I joked about my stress with family and friends to loosen me up and vented in my journal.
- On speech day I did my best to distract myself minus quickly going over it a couple times.
- Before the speech, I made sure to connect with people and enjoy the moment to loosen up.
As a Christian I was able to pray about it and ask God for guidance. I thanked Him for giving me the ability to write and present well, which was affirmed by the leadership team who asked me to speak. I then asked Him for a gracious audience because it’s good to acknowledge truth, have a grateful heart, and ask for help where you need it.
And what happened? My prayer was answered. I couldn’t have asked for a better audience. I also couldn’t have asked for a better time slot in the night. I was right after the appetizer, so people were still buzzing with energy. It was also after the president gave a great lighthearted speech that warmed up the audience and helped me see they wanted to laugh. The one scary moment was being introduced as the “in-house comedian and funny guy” because that can raise the expectation too high. Fortunately, this was offset by having an audience of people who wanted me to help them laugh.
The audience ended up being so good I had to keep pausing for laughter, which is the best feeling. After I finished, however, I had to immediately leave the room because my body was on fire from the stress still. I spent the next five minutes outside doing jumping jacks and shaking myself around trying to shake out the stress. That is another healthy habit: listen to your body. My body essentially needed a chance to realize everything is okay; it’s over.
This week may you consider how stress can be a gift.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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