Divorce? Tom’s parents woke him up to tell him their news, and now he was in shock. He had never thought his parents would be getting a divorce. They had been together for 25 years. Sure they would fight on occasion, but it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. What was even stranger was his mom and dad were looking at him with excitement in their eyes. It wasn’t even upsetting for them. His mom interrupted his thinking by saying, “Your father and I have decided we need new adventures.” Tom was confused. His parents were older; the only adventures they’re supposed to have is going to the grocery store and watching TV. His mom then added, “We’ve both signed up for Plenty of Fish.” Tom didn’t want to believe she was talking about the online dating site… the hookup online dating site, so he piped in, “But you hate fishing.” To which his dad retorted, “Not when they’re sexy to tolerably ugly women willing to do stuff with, me. Score!” Not meaning to be rude Tom said, “Ugh.” “What?” asked his dad. “It’s natural and healthy for us to want to be sexually active.” These words were not comforting to Tom, and, in fact, led him to go, “Ugh” again. Tom’s dad continued “And I’ve been doing a lot of research on kinky stuff I can do to these random women! Woo!” Tom finally yelled, “Dad! Please stop talking.” “But it’s been great. You have no idea how much we’ve been missing out on, and now we want to share what we’ve learned with as many other random people as possible; it’s like a form of community service and education combined into one. We were toying with the idea of trying the swinging thing, but we decided against it because that would limit our options. Plus, your mother and I don’t want to be stuck with one of us getting an uglian while the other is with the prize. It just wouldn’t be fair. Besides, the stuff your mother wants to do is not for normal people. She’s a freak.”
This was all too much for Tom. Besides the fact that his parents had woke him up to tell him this awful news about the divorce he was now hearing waaayyyyy too much information about their plans… their dirty, freaky plans. Tom couldn’t look at his parents for fear of having images of them doing what they were talking about. What was hard for Tom was the night before he had realized how much he hated his life. He had pretty much always hated his life. Actually, he didn’t fully hate it. What would happen is he would, for instance, hate elementary school while he was there, but when he went to high school he wished he was back in elementary school. When he went to college, he would wish he could go back to high school. When he was working, he would wish he could be back in college. Everything seemed better looking back to the past; the present was always the struggle. Not only did he hate work, now his parents were getting divorced in order to have random sex with random people. Tom now wished it was yesterday because at least yesterday was better than today. Why was his life on such a down slope of always getting worse?
Suddenly his parents burst out laughing. “Why are you laughing?” asked Tom. “You should see your face!” laughed his dad. “Do you really think we’re serious?” “What?” asked Tom. “We’re joking,” announced his mother. We’re not divorcing.” “Oh thank goodness,” sighed Tom. “So this was all a joke?” “Accept the part about your mom being a freak, and that I’ve done some research,” quipped his dad. “Oh Harold,” teased his mom. “You’ll be saying that later,” said Tom’s dad. Tom was so confused. “What’s going on?” “Your dad and I are tired of you thinking life is so terrible. You’re always complaining about how much better it used to be. So we decided to give you a taste of what would be worse. It can always be worse, so you need to be grateful in the moment for what you have. I bet you were thinking ‘I wish this was yesterday’ when you thought we were really getting divorced. Now you have a second chance to basically relive yesterday; now you can be more grateful for what you have.” Tom was flustered, “Isn’t this a cruel teaching method?” “Son,” said his dad without sympathy, “you’re 25, deal with it.” His mom added, “You need to stop taking things for granted. What you have today could be ruined or stolen tomorrow, so you need to enjoy it in the moment and be grateful for it while you have it. One day you won’t be living here anymore, so you should appreciate what living here has to offer. One day we’ll be dead and gone so you need to appreciate us while you can. One day you’re going to die; you need to start seeing that life is a gift, and to stop taking it all for granted.”
“Besides we want to make you realize that things could be worse like if we got divorced because your mom and I decided we’re not going to be discreet when we’re getting it on anymore. You may want to start wearing earplugs.” “Harold!” Tom’s mom teased. And with that Tom’s parents starting kissing in front of him in this passionate, teenager in high school like embrace. Tom shoed them out of his room using a shoe by his bed… he literally shoed them out of his room, and as gross as it was he was grateful his parents were still together and happy; he decided he should rethink the way he was viewing life and he was beginning to have these deeper intellectual thoughts when he heard his dad say, “You taste like Raisin Bran; that is so hot.”
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love Dumb People