Men are known as a lot of things: rational, competitive, smelly, but under our emotionally stunted and sometimes gorilla like exterior we’re actually very loyal. I love saying that men are the loyal gender to people face to face because the response is usually something like: “Yeah right… oh, you’re serious?” Please don’t hate me for saying men are the loyal gender… at least not yet. Wait for me to explain myself, and then choose accordingly. I would like to take a moment to apologize to any woman who has been hurt because of a man’s lack of loyalty. Hopefully by the end of this article you’ll better understand what happened and why even though guys can be complete jerks they can actually, underneath it all, be very loyal.
In my book, Emotional Sex – you really should read it – I use a hockey analogy to explain why guys are the loyal gender whereas girls are the passionate gender; it’s a great argument. Thanks Chad. You’re welcome Chad… I wrote Emotional Sex, hence the blog address. Yes, I know cleverness is bursting out of me. Since I’ve already used the hockey argument, however, let me pull out some new evidence for why guys are the loyal gender: friends. Most men remain friends with the guys they grew up with as kids. Growing up women tend to hop between best friends more and join different groups largely because of drama. Men, however, tend to stick to the same group… less drama. In fact, men will remain friends with guys who aren’t even good people, but they’ve always been friends so why change that? I’ve even heard it put this point blank: (woman) “Why are you still friends with him? He’s a jerk.” (guy) “I don’t know… we’ve just always been friends.” This is partly because guys aren’t as quick to revaluate their friends and judge if it’s a good friendship or not… they just stay friends. Women also tend to be more emotionally invested in their friendships thereby making lasting friendships more difficult to maintain for a long time because there are too many variables that can separate them. Men, on the other hand, tend to avoid getting very close to each other so we can get away with being friends with those less than preferred quality and whose opinions don’t match very well with our own. If the situation doesn’t feel very safe or someone causes too many problems, however, men will pull away. They’re still there, but they’re even less invested.
Now for the big guns to prove why men are the loyal gender: moms. Men are loyal as demonstrated by their loyalty to their moms. A major complaint by a lot of wives is the influence the mother-in-law has over their husband even after years of marriage. For some reason, even when men grow up and leave home they typically remain exceedingly faithful to their mom to the point where wives feel second place. It can actually be a challenge for some men to let go of their umbilical cord and with both hands grasp their wife’s heart strings. Why? Because they’re loyal to the one who was first in their life. I’m not saying this is right, but this problem isn’t unusual.
What about dads you ask? A lot of men end up resenting their dads for whatever reason and fall into the category of guys keeping their dad’s at a distance because they don’t feel safe. In certain situations, however, the son will still be there for his dad, which is the loyalty aspect coming out. They’re loyal, but there’s a limit.
Despite these two points to prove why men are the loyal gender I’m sure there are still a few of you who don’t agree with me (cough) ladies… guys always agree when I point this out. Don’t worry; I’m guessing this will help change your mind: a man may be loyal, but there are serious drawbacks to being loyal. For some reason as soon as women realize being loyal is followed by a lot of bad qualities it makes it easier for them to say guys are the loyal gender. It’s easier for them to agree when it looks like a putdown… great isn’t it? (woman) “That’s not true; guys aren’t loyal… oh wait, being loyal isn’t that great a quality. Okay, they have that title because it means they’re stupid.”
- 1. Being loyal means even if a guy isn’t happy he’ll continue going to the same job, keep the same friend, live in the same bad living situation, and remain with the same emotionally abusive partner, or parent.
- Men rarely break up because they’re sense of loyalty won’t let them. However, they may disappear or, more likely, they’ll try to trade in. A guy doesn’t normally leave a woman unless he’s got a replacement on hand or she’s waaayyyyyy to crazy for him to handle. Looking to trade in a girl can lead to him being in bad relationships longer than he should… or he could get caught trying to cheat, which makes him the bad guy. The truth is if he’s dating a girl and signed up on a dating site, he’s just looking for a way out… definitely not the noble thing to do, but he needs somewhere to transfer his so-called loyalty. The bottom line is, it’s easier to let go of someone when we have someone else with whom we can distract ourselves.
- Losing something we value is extremely painful, which can lead to men being afraid to get emotionally invested into things. This extreme sense of pain is why a man losing his job can be all the more painful for him and also explains why men are statistically more likely to commit suicide after a break up.
- When guys get into a comfortable relationship we tend to let ourselves go (aka we get fat). A fat husband is a loyal husband because: “I’m not going anywhere so I don’t need to try. We’ll always be together.” This obviously leads to some issues for the wives.
- Because we’re loyal, we can become very complacent and take our partner for granted.
- A wife will leave her husband after years of complaining, and he’ll still be left saying: “I thought everything was fine.”
- Women will complain: “Why don’t you say I love you? (guys) “You know I do. I’m with you.”
- It’s easy for a man to get in a rut, and breaking routine can be very hard. Change can be very difficult and not something we normally seek even if it’s redecorating: “It’s fine the way it is.”
- Loyalty can mean not letting go of pain: “I’m fine. I don’t need healing.” We can even be loyal to what hurts us… yes, I know this makes us sound stupid… you’re welcome ladies
- And the biggest drawback to men being loyal is we are slower to give our hearts away. This is amplified if we’ve been deeply hurt. Thus, guys who sleep around are typically guys afraid of having their hearts broken again. It’s easier to satisfy hormones without being emotionally invested because it’s emotionally safer for a guy. Sleeping or flirting can also be a way to try to get payback for any hurt we’re harbouring (connected to point 9)… yes, I know this isn’t wise, but we all do things we shouldn’t because it seems right at the time.
Knowing that men are the loyal gender can make it easier to accept our bad behaviors and not take it as personally. I hope this insight is reassuring because a guy’s complacency and seeming disinterest is likely a sign that he’s just really comfortable and can’t imagine life without you. This week, may your relationships be renewed because you now have a better understanding of some of a man’s behaviours.